I stumbled across this story in the news the other week, about a man in Australia auctioning off his entire life on Ebay. Ian Usher is the man and at his website he had detailed and catalogued all his belongings; house, contents, vehicles etc. However, he is not just selling his possessions and worldly belongings, which arguably could not be called selling his life; he is actually throwing in with it his lifestyle, friends and job! A truly complete modern day package of the seemingly perfect life. His house is lovely, and he has all the things a modern day someone would want.

Many people would find this idea completely absurd, and I myself can see an element of that within such a 'madcap crazy scheme'. However, despite its implausibility, it is certainly is an intriguing idea, which at heart I am enamoured with. The idea of completely disclosing yourself of everything you own, your whole life... your identity perhaps and all sentimentality you hold toward your possessions is a daunting one at that. Yet, this man is doing so under the circumstance of splitting from his wife of six years, and using the money to go anywhere and do anything he wants. 

The goal of the project and the reward he gains from the sacrifice is certainly tempting. Indeed I feel it would take something of that magnitude, a major shift in your life and circumstances to prompt you to do such a thing. It is that aspect that is truly appealing. Who in life doesn't dream at times of ditching everything and starting again? Creating a blank slate and escaping from the monotony of our everyday lives, which one may have been stuck in for over 20 years. I would certainly love to try out such an experiment in my forties, perhaps. The appeal of escaping, and the liberation from a life which, may not necessarily be dull or boring, but just having gone on too long is, perhaps not such a crazy idea after all. In fact, who knows, maybe it could become common place. 

It seems to me that getting up and leaving for somewhere completely new, even becoming a new person, creating a new identity is something that one could associate with the past; when people had the ability to do so and weren't tracked and placed on file so much. Perhaps it would be an idea for this act of complete and utter change to become say, in vogue again. A modern day repackaging of the escape they used to fictionalise so much in the films of old. Yet, this is probably the romantic in me getting carried away...

There are certainly flaws in the idea, especially this specific one of Mr. Usher; selling your friends, lifestyle and job are difficult to say the least. It perhaps more of a novelty than it is a practical reality. How can he be sure that his buyer (assuming he even gets one) will take on board his kind of lifestyle or like his friends?! Maybe his buyer will be a fat lazy guy who just wants to sit in his spa watching his widescreen from the patio all day. In fact, the whole aspect of him trying to sell on his life as a whole, is somewhat narcissistic seeming... to me it's almost like he doesn't want to give up on all he has worked to achieve, and assumes that his life is so great that someone would want it just like that!

The idea that anyone can just buy a life readymade with all the necessities of a job, friends and a lifestyle, is a little... off-putting. I wonder if he will ever get a buyer, who will truly be committed to, at least test-driving his friends, job and lifestyle like he wants; or whether the buyer will merely want his home and possessions and disregard the rest. For what is unnerving about this idea is that someone can buy a whole perfect 'life', as if they were picking something out of a catalogue or off a supermarket shelf. Selling your possessions is one thing; marketing you r whole life and identity is another. I wonder what this says about the person that is selling and the person that is buying? I mean, who would really want to take someone else's 'life' so to speak?! and if so for what reasons!

Thus there are flaws to his plan, yet on the whole I think if I had been through something major like he had, it would be a liberating and exciting thing to do. Some people crave stability in their lives and plans, and whilst I like to have a plan in place too, I think that after a while a real shake up in situation and change is something which is vital to a fulfilling life. Change should be just as vital to humans as stability and security, and perhaps nowadays we become too stuck in our ways and attached to the material things in life and the routine, that we miss out on important and life enriching experiences. I know that this idea is something I will certainly keep in mind throughout my life and if I did ever reach a point such as him, I might just be crazy enough to consider it!

I'll be keeping an eye to see if anyone does actually buy his life...

Listening: Stuck Inside of Mobile with the Memphis Blues Again - Bob Dylan (Covered by Cat Power)

Thinking about the future is giving me a headache. Trying to plan for it is rapidly turning it from a headache into a never ending migraine. It looms over me like a giant hovering mushroom cloud; only the bomb has not yet gone of... its waiting 'til June. I continue to have no concrete idea of what I want to do after graduation and as I lurch from one idea to a completely different other, I feel like my life is being tossed around like a lone leaf in the extremely harsh gales battering the UK at the moment. Amongst my feelings of ever encroaching despair and frustration, I can't help but feeling resentful towards the system. There are two systems, both at fault; the system of education which is soon to be my past and the future system of the job market. But they combine into the ever more horrendous and homogenous system that is modern life in general.

The education system, which I have been in for over 15 years now is totally flawed as it expects you to know what you want to do with your life when you're 15 years old, and choosing your a-levels. Yet, at that age you're not going to have any experience of the working world and how the fuck do you know what you want to be, when there is virtually no information or guidance provided. Case in point, I did not know then that I would really like to be a forensic scientist. Thus I did not take any science a-levels, so now I have no way in hell of being able to pursue that career without taking adult-learning courses in a-level biology, which would cost thousands of pounds and take two years! Then the system of the job market and application process is totally flawed too. It expects graduates to have experience in the field they're applying, and to also have been involved in a trillion and one things during university along with studying to get a first class degree. The irony of this is, as me and my flat mate discussed the other day; those who take up lots of extracurricular activities are more often than not those who are geeky, overachievers with a low social life. Therefore, what employers take to be a sign of having great team-working, communication and inter-personal skills; more often than not means that person has the social skills of a Nazi leper, and are completely socially retarded. Those who can sell things well, network and schmooze to the max are usually found in bars, socialising non stop with no time for geek society! 

My encounters thus far and thoughts on my future have led me to thinking about modern society as a whole - that along with my rather apt modern-political thought module, which is incredibly interesting and looks at critical theory of the modern world along with the infamous post-modernism. The ideas of Marcuse, a German theorist, on capitalist society, the pervasion of a homogenous culture and the need for counter-cultural movements, have struck a chord with me. I feel that the society of today has become so concerned with selling everything to us, in order to continue its capitalist dominance, that even life itself is something which they try to sell us now. Not literally of course, but a certain way of life, is foisted upon us, sold to us as a brand or an ethos. We are told what a good life is, what a successful life is... the way we live, the career we choose, if one at all, is all shaped by the pressures of society. 

I find it all too much, and want to scream my lungs out at the futility of it all. Who is to say what a good way of life is, or what a successful future is? WHO? I ask is the judge of all these wonderful benchmarks by which we should live. Why are you only deemed successful if you, say, earn vast amounts of money and are able to buy nice shiny commodities? Why is the ability to purchase and consume better and higher quantities of possessions a sign of you leading a good life, of having made it?! Made it to what I wonder!? - having a rather meaningless and vacuous life; one that has managed to cause more waste than others. It all leads me to question why a mapped out corporate career is good, why should I want that? ... I DON'T! I'm made to feel like that's what I should do, cause that's the way to success and goodness. To stability and a good retirement. Why do I want to be thinking of retirement now, who says I want stability, a marriage and a family? Why can't I just have random careerless jobs that allow me to be how I want and live comfortably, whilst having the time to myself that I want - why is that so frowned upon?! 

Of course, there are no answers. There is no ubiquitous judge of what is better and what is not. It wouldn't be right if there was, it's just that it feels as if there is, and I'm being judged badly. 

I know I'm sounding clichéd here, but the more I contemplate what to do and the more I research into opportunities, the more I run head first into a solid brick wall. Every single job, graduate scheme, placement, internship, volunteering scheme, postgrad degree that I look into I feel as if I can't do it. I don't have any work experience other than shop work and I haven't done much in the way of extracurricular stuff whilst here. Not because I didn't want to, I just wasn't attracted by anything on offer. Thus, the more I read all the terrible jargon filled job briefs and what is required, I become increasingly unsure of my abilities and feel totally inadequate for most of what is on offer. I wonder how it has come to this?! I've never felt like this before in regard to my academic studies, I've always done well, pretty much top of the class and I'm intelligent. I can adapt and learn new things very easily. BUT - this terrible fear grips me when I think of myself in a real proper job, with responsibilities and people depending on me, where I'll have to give presentations and produce results ... I can do it all, I know I can, but then the fear of failure sets in and that's it ... I've never really failed in anything I've done before. I may not have been the best, but I never failed and I'm fixated on the fact that I will. Thus, it stops me for applying for anything at all - and I'm right back to where I started. 

I need help! I need someone to talk to, rather than just typing it all into this blank box or scrawling it in the lined pages of my diary. I need someone to tell me it'll be ok - except it won't and the more I think, the more the migraine comes back and I feel as if I'm slipping into a black abyss of despair. 

Confusion is a seemingly permanent mindset at the moment not only on this subject but on my personal life too, friends and relationships, and what I want against what I'm getting from them. Not that I have a relationship so to speak of, and being single for over two years now, whilst in the prime place that is university, is starting to grate. Though, I'm not really a date person at all, so it's pretty much my fault. The point being, that I love my friends but with some of them its a constant battle; a war between me & my pride. I feel as though I'm harassing them or annoying them, in order to just hang out. Therefore, half the time I'm screaming at myself to just speak out & tell them, or just stop bothering with them all together, because I have too much pride to keep on being the one chasing them up. I've had this experience with people all my life and its always led to hurt, so this time I know that I should just move on and not become so attached - keep convincing myself that it's their loss - which works for about five minutes. 

I've become obsessed with the medium of film as of late. I've always been an avid watcher of film and I mostly enjoy films that make you think rather than the stupid Hollywood comedy. However, over the last few months I have become engrossed in researching and educating myself in film, especially those of the past.

My project started off small. After getting the observer guide to film one day in the summer I decided I would compile a list of films I should see. Sort of along the lines of those lists you find that tell you all the films you must see before you die... not that I'm planning on dying anytime soon. Anyway, what started out small grew into a pretty massive project of listing, researching and generally becoming obsessed with finding out about certain films and stars of the Golden Age of Hollywood. I've found myself becoming increasingly enchanted by the world of 1940s film, more specifically film noir. Other genres of that era like the romantic comedy's or musicals don't interest me, but film noir has. It's bleak, mysterious and stylized cinematography along with its enigmatic stars such as Bogart and Bacall (possibly the one of the most beautiful women in the world) and its intricate plotlines make for some of the most iconic and brilliant films of all time. My list has become extensive and out of this has grown a full blown obsession with the 1940's, its fashion and style, architecture and design ... I can't quite describe what it is that so captures me about the period but it just has.

Obsession is something that I tend to lean towards. I'm not a person that does things half heartedly, unfortunately however, it never tends to lend itself to my academic work. I wish I could apply half of the drive I have towards actually writing my dissertation. I'm in the midst of researching for it, and don't get me wrong my topic does interest me very much. Nixon's policy of achieving 'peace with honour' in Vietnam is a very interesting and engaging topic. I love being able to focus on the political history of one of the most interesting wars of the 20th century and perhaps my favourite US President of all time. However, I suppose this is the problem for a lot of people that the actual writing of a 12,000 word researched document is rather daunting and not as fun as the researching part. Alas I need to press on with it as it is due in after Christmas...

Another very daunting task looming large at the moment is; what to do after graduation? I really hate people asking me this question, because honestly I don't want to think about it. Again it's strange as I'm very much a organisational, planning freak, yet I don't seem to be able to apply this to my future career. It's possibly one of the most important things that I'll ever need to think about, but I just can't get my head around it. The fact that I have no idea where to start or what I want may not be helping. The actual thought of literally deciding what I'm going to do for the most part of my future life overwhelms me so much, that I just want to sit in a corner and cry. My aversion to change and the fact that I'd really love to be a forensic investigator, whilst having no qualifications what so ever to actually follow that up could also be an obstacle too... Oh well maybe I'll just be a hippy drifter instead...