Mechanical Thoughts

It came from the back of the wardrobe

2008-11-10T23:13:22Z

Numerous months ago now, when I was moving into a new room in our house, which entailed a massive sort out of shit, I stumbled upon something awesome. No we didn't find some ridiculously ugly antique which is actually worth a shitload of money, in fact this item isn't probably worth that much, but to me its worth a lot. It's something which I wished I'd had and thought about buying, but knowing nothing about this particular object or the hobby attached to it I decided it might be a frivolous waste of my money, kinda like my buying a £300 guitar was; especially in these times of economic hardship. However this discovery has saved me the money...

See, amidst my growing love for the old, I've developed a slight obsession for vintage items. But it's really quite a mish-mash of different eras and things that I like; I love art deco architecture and design, especially the huge wooden dressing tables and chests they would have back then, along with the visual art and posters. I also love furniture from the 1960s, especially chairs! Amongst the growing list of things I wish I'd studied and become, chair designer is one of them (woodwork was my favourite lesson). I don't quite know what it is about chairs that I especially love, but the iconic ones by Eams & Breur just grab me ... my future house is going to be filled with chairs. I can't get enough of 1950s and 60s stuff; the wiggle dresses of the 50s or mini go-go shift dresses of the 60s, little trinkets and the Bakelite phones etc, although I think I want one of these phones when I can get one.

Anyway, getting off track a bit here, amongst this wish list of items what I really wanted was an old school camera. One like David Hemmings has when he's running around in Blow Up, failing to do a thing about the murder he's captured on film cause he's too busy shagging Jane Birkin & going to freaky parties in castles (or is that last bit La Dolce Vita ... it's all blur). If you haven't see it, I've just spoilt you on it but here's a little visual so you know what I'm talking about... Sexy!

And so what did my Dad dredge up form the back of his wardrobe, but a freaking awesome old camera, that has just been sitting there collecting dust. It's a Zenit EM, a 35mm SLR manufactured by a Russian company KMZ in the late 1960s early 1970s. It's a hulking beast of a camera with a host of dials and buttons, a testament to cold war Communist design ideals, all utility and no beauty.

Now as I said, it's probably not worth loads, but it's in good nick, and comes with an over the shoulder carrying case, an extra zoom lens and a separate flash bulb you attach to the top. I got so excited about this I spent the next few hours prancing around pretending I was Hemmings or some kind of David Bailey type that I overlooked the fact I have no clue how to work it, and know sod all about photography.

Now as seemingly everyone will attest to the same, I've always wished to learn photography, or at least get better at it and be able to take arty, poncy shots of breaking waves and shit. So this find has thrown up the prime opportunity, overnight I have acquired an awesome non-digital, proper film SLR camera, now to just learn about photography. I have managed to find a manual online of what all the buttons and dials do, so really I want to get a little guide book to how all the things like shutter speed and light affect the shots.

It's actually quite nice and nostalgic to find something that is a throwback to how things used to be done. The digital camera has become so ubiquitous now, its funny having to learn how to fit a film, and in a way I feel it is better that you don't have 8GB of memory to take hundreds of shots - with this you only have 35 shots before your film is up. It's both limiting yet oddly liberating at the same time; in the sense that it liberates you from the shackles of dependency upon digital means and complacency to good shot making that this engenders in photographers. The nostalgia it creates is comforting, kind of like going back to watching VHS or playing an old mix tape, that you'd sat for three hours listening to the top 40 on the radio to record the best songs; frantically scrabbling to cut it right so you didn't get any of the annoying radio sound bite or adverts trampling over the ends and then minutely writing the track listing out on the back cover. Aah those were the days!

GI Jane

2008-10-20T00:54:53Z

In the past few days I've been watching the HBO mini-series "Generation Kill"; adapted from the book of the same name by Rolling Stone reporter Evan Wright, it is a highly realistic drama that follows a battalion of US Marines through the first one hundred days of the Iraq war. I'm mainly watching it because it is written and produced by none other than 'The Wire' supremeos David Simon & Ed Burns .. oh and it has a main part played by James Ransone or to Wire watchers, the awesome and tragic Ziggy from Season 2. Also I figured that a new series by Simon being aired on HBO would be equally gripping drama.

I have not been disappointed, as Generation Kill contains all the elements of The Wire that made it the epic and compelling show that it was. As with The Wire, Generation Kill starts out by throwing you right into the proverbial shit... no intros as to the premise of the show, the situation or the characters. It's a whirlwind of a whistle stop tour through all the players within the battalion.. people barking names, usually confusing nicknames and their ranks left right and centre so that you have no clue who or what anyone is talking about. Knowing the names and rankings/hierarchy of the characters is vital to knowing what the fuck is going on... just as it was vital to know the hierarchy of the police dept. and gangs in The Wire. It is also hyper realistic, as was The Wire, and soon you'll be immersed in the marine's slang as well as their technical and military speak; you'll know what ROE's are and when to step off.

And so you follow the journey of the young marines, mainly of the four that the reporter rides with (one being Ziggy's character - Cpl. Person seen here giving his expert view on why the US are in Iraq), through there different missions and trials. It's safe to say that Simon has painted the military war in Iraq in a similar way to the war on drugs in Baltimore; ultimately it's the institutions themselves, bureaucracy and incompetent chain of command that fuck things up and is the downfall of the men on the ground trying to win a war. As with the homicide dept. in The Wire, the marine unit contains highly trained men ready to do their job properly, and then there are the incompetent dicks within the command who constantly follow protocol and orders, even when it's counterproductive. Then there are the plain psychotic idiots who shouldn't be allowed to go near a gun like Captain America, who freaks out at the slightest sign of combat firing off rounds of ammo into empty cars and shouting like a maniac at everything ... which happens to be hilarious when watched, but disconcerting when you realise that he's based on a real life marine. However, it lacks the element of the homicide detectives who just couldn't give a fuck... here the marines are gagging for military action like Cpl. Trombley who displays a disturbing psycho streak to his views and actions.

There are some incidents and scenes which bring home the gravity of the mistakes than can be made and the frustration of a lack of strategy. The best scene so far for me has been at the start of episode five, where the unit were calmly doing recon on a small hamlet filled with women and children, which out of nowhere gets blown to shit after an aerial assault, which no one called in. Though as you can see from these clips, that whilst GK is a hard hitting and evocative drama about the cluster fuck that has been the Iraq war, it is also perfectly balanced with humour that the characters bring, and some lovely insightful conversations and comments into the way of the world ... yes you guessed it ... just as The Wire did. The similarities in style, writing and direction are plain to see, but then I see no wrong in that, as The Wire has been one of the greatest pieces of drama in... well all of TV.

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I still have the last two episodes to watch, but what made me want to write a piece on this is the strange occurrence of a small part of me finding the idea of being a marine on some level appealing! ... I keep dreaming of such things, although I think that is due to the fact I'm watching it before I go to sleep.

Now don't get me wrong in no way am I saying that I would like to become a soldier, join the army or any of that. Or that going to war and killing innocent people appeals to me in any way. In fact the very idea of voluntarily joining an institution that is all about having an elite hierarchy, following orders, kowtowing and sucking ass to anyone higher up in rank, and is well known for being; aged, conservative and of treating new recruits like shit - is well intrinsically abhorrent to me. I actually struggle on most levels to understand why anyone sane would want to have their life run for them? To have their individuality stripped away and join a homogenous mass of men, who quite often do have question marks over their mental stability.

Now see I said above that I struggle on - key word - 'most levels', to understand why people join the army, airforce etc. It used to be a blanket covering 'all levels' of understanding, but then I don't think I'd ever really thought on the subject beyond the fact that I was averse to joining up. However, now that I have thought on it a bit more, there are actually a few of my character traits that fit in quite well with that kind of existence. I like to have goals set, and what better place than in an army where you will always have a mission set for you - and a pretty fucking important ones at that. I also like to be in control of things, although this would only work if I were high up within the chain of command, although on some level it could still work. You see I think the crux of why a life as "GI Jane" may be somewhat appealing to me is the orderliness. To have a mission, a plan, stability and a tangible meaning to your actions has a level of appeal.

I am a creature of orderliness. I love things to be clean, ordered, organised and planned. I think when I was at university I spent most of my essay time procrastinating by making lovely lists of all the books I needed, and all my resources .. hence why I usually had to write two essays in a day. I think the one thing going for the army is that it is an ordered life, everything is set out and neat. Although I think, that I only like to be this way, because I actually have the choice to do unplanned and individual things. To be able to screw with things and mess up the order of life, is a must to wanting order. If order, rules and constraints are placed upon me, then I can't stand it. It goes against my absolute need for independence and control over my own life.

And with that psycho babbling out of the way, I'll stick to my dreaming about being a marine - I think it's the driving a Hummer in those Ziggy sunglasses singing 'Tainted Love' at the top of my lungs, that does it.

Scrobble me this?

2008-09-26T01:26:42Z

Yesterday iTunes downloaded me the newest version of itself which included a new gadget - the Genius Sidebar. The Genius bar offers recommendations to you based upon the songs you are playing in your library. For example, if I were listening to something by say... Isis, my handy Genius bar recommends me songs that I haven't got, namely by Melvins, Meshuggah, and The Dillinger Escape Plan that I know do sound something alike - as for Windmills By the Ocean and This Will Destroy You, I have no idea!

Now the art of recommending music to people is no new phenomenon; in the past you would usually rely upon genre specific publications, radio, or a trusted friend with similar tastes, to give you the latest low down on new music, film books etc. However, in these modern times of digital media wizardry, where most people use their computer to procure, store and play all their music, it's no wonder that some clever genius cottoned on to the fact that recommending music to those too lazy to actively search around themselves, could mean big business. So now there are a rash of websites, providing people with not just any old recommendations based upon their lowly, uneducated ear - or poncy, high-brow sneering one - but tailor bloody made to your own wonderful tastes!

And about time too, I hear some people say, after all that computers can do you'd think they can match the fact that some idiot who likes one blonde-generic-pop-bimbo is going to like their slightly skinnier and younger clone too.

So you've now got Apple's so called 'Genius Bar', along with Last.fm and, one other that I've road tested, The Filter. Ignoring the fact that a part of me feels that ones taste in music and film cannot be predicted by a computer or based upon five reviews given of totally unrelated films - I do actually use these things. They are rather helpful in some respects. I am a huge fan of Last.fm, though somewhat biased because the other two are new to me. However, of what I've seen I'd still say Last.fm was ahead by a mile. It works by adding a small application to iTunes or whatever media player you use, and then 'scrobbles' (that would be records, to anyone normal) the tracks you listen to. Simple as! You don't need to do anything else but listen to your music as normal and the more you listen, the more it can build up knowledge of what you will like.

I've downloaded loads of new artists thanks to its recommendations, and have to say they're pretty spot on. Although take your eye off it for one moment and an accidental scrobble of Will Young could seriously damage your overall taste. Also I don't think it's quite sure what to suggest when I've scrobbled a mixture of Huey Lewis & Robert Palmer, Chopin, Slipknot and Dire Straits all in one week.... this is where nothing can trump the human mind.

The Filter is slightly different in that it relies upon a similar application and also your own % ratings of artists and films. Apparently it also combines the two and will deduce something along the lines, that if you listen to a lot of metal you will like horror films. I think The Filter is a good idea, but I find the rating and reviewing a laborious task - and the range of artists limited - and I'd say it's also true that people only really rate artists that they like and know, and are also swayed by what they deem cool to like/hate.

The Genius bar is somewhat negligible to be honest. It obviously recommends songs on that which you haven't already got, and which other users have also bought, like Amazon. To be honest it's clearly a catch up/marketing ploy by Apple to get you to purchase more from the iTunes store.

All three of these sites however rely upon the other users and how many members it has. Last.fm not only goes upon matching up obviously related artists, but also on what other users are listening to in addition to the root artist. So, as with so many things, these sites are only as good as their users.

Merits and drawbacks aside...

I find it a fascinating concept that nowadays, instead of relying upon any number of reviews and critical opinions, thought up by people who may have spent years immersed in a certain genre of music - we now listen to a computer. Instead of weighing up the opinion of people who have actual human ears to hear music, or eyes to see a film, and form an opinion on it, as well as knowing the background and progression of the artist and their work - we now take the advice of a computer. There's something highly disconcerting and a touch Orwellian about the fact that we rely upon highly devised mathematical algorithms to tell us what to listen to and watch.

Numerous things are wrong with this scenario; 1) It highlights a catastrophically huge waste of time, effort and above all money - Peter Gabriel's The Filter has had $8.5million in investment - to think up highly intricate algorithms - so as to be able to see that someone who likes Iggy Pop may also like The Stooges!!
2) To hear Peter Gabriel talk about it, you can't help but get the feeling that in fifty years time we'll be living in a futuristic world where humans and thinking altogether will have become obsolete; instead we'll all be run by computers, with nothing left to do but breathe. Well why not ey?... apparently freedom of choice is a massive burden, especially when we live a "24hr lifestyle". In fact it would seem that not only do these gadgets free us from the total inundation of media the interweb provides us (which, granted is a problem) - but that overall these programmes are better at knowing what you'll like than your own self!

And there's the crux - a somewhat ethical question really - will there come a day when computers are better at making decisions than a human mind. It starts with simple things like deciding upon songs or which route you take in a car - all in a nice calming voice, until they eventually become wiser and they decide that the meatsacks they are helping out are worthless lazy lumps - and they'd be better of without us!

Or maybe I've been reading too much fantasy sci-fi? I mean I live in a world of magical seeds for god's sake...

Productivity is the key

2008-07-28T00:35:41Z

It's been busy and uprooting times of late; no longer am I another 'lazy layabout' student, but a fully fledged, newly 21 year old graduate (though not in the Dustin Hoffman sense).

So as a void of essentially free time stretches ahead of me - technically I'm job hunting; which is an arduous enough task in itself that can end up consuming hours - I am faced with the dilemma of how to stay sane and occupied through these lonely days.

My advice to any other recent graduates who may find themselves in a similar position; back under the roof of parents, friends at home thin on the ground and lack of direction for the future - is to be Productive! It is obvious enough advice, but I'd say that it is a common (if not a rising issue) that university graduates of today are finding themselves increasingly lost and slumping into a depression during the transition into the 'real world', with graduate saturation and the looming recession not helping either.

Obviously finding direction and searching for a job is the number one priority for most graduates, and I've made some headway on that front. However, there's only so much time you can actually spend on that task before; one you exhaust all possibilities, and two become so frustrated with recruitment jargon and bogged down in critically assessing yourself against requirements that you want to punch the teeth out of whoever thought up the phrase "seeks innovative and creative candidate" - even for SELLING DOUBLE GLAZING!!!

You may feel at this time that you must, must, must find a job - any job - ASAP - you'll shovel shit in a field all day long if you have to - in order to stop the anxiety, the pressure from parents building like a volcano and to keep up with friends who've already moved to London, bought a house and gotten married in a week... they're oh so successful!

STOP! this perceived need to get a job instantly is an extremely damaging approach. Constant pursuit of anything in life is not a healthy approach, and soon anything relating to finding a job will become part of a mental nightmare

The period of transition from student to employment, is meant to be exactly that - A gap in order to adjust. Rather than look upon it as wasted time unless you're earning, it is in fact a completely unique and rare opportunity to do any number of things that take your fancy, and to also put some real thought and planning into your future, without other hassles.

Knowing myself pretty darn well, I would have seen this period in exactly the way I've just described above (in fact I did a few months ago), except I had something of a 'realisation' a few weeks back, and am now perfectly happy to be slightly clueless for a time as to where I'm headed. Remaining productive is key to this state of mind - and I don't mean running around like a blue arsed fly with a super packed schedule of meaningless activity. I mean doing things that are really worthwhile and will contribute either to your CV or character or just something that you love. Everyone can do this; all it takes is a little thought about what it is that you've always wanted to do - be it creative writing, learning or researching something, reading a ton of books, planning a trip etc... and then doing it.

The past weeks I've been obsessively organising my stuff and ruthlessly sorting through the useless crap in the house. I think such an event as moving home from university warrants such a purge, and I can't do anything else properly without my environment being sorted first. I find bringing order to my surroundings very therapeutic, and it's heightened in my case as I'm with a recent extension to our house I'm actually moving to a new room too.

Once this is done though I do have a number of other ideas and projects to begin; some are necessary and others are to do with an interest or passion that will be ongoing for years to come:

- Finding a job
- Personal development - reading some motivational resources and other such self help stuff along with some spiritual exploration
- Expanding my film project along with reading up on film theory and criticism
- Book project
- Planning to write a work of fiction
- Develop writing style via more articles on here
- Researching into classic cars - especially 1940s
- Researching Art Deco design and buildings along with retro furniture
- Looking into vintage movie posters to buy, and researching on restoration and collection
- Furthering my piano & guitar
- Planning an overseas trip/volunteering
- Learning to illustrate in a comic style (though unlikely to be any good ha!)
- Learning Italian
- Re-taking up Kickboxing
- Finding a vision for what I want to do and how to achieve that - I think I've settled on Arts funding/policy/admin (preferably film) and then doing an MA in arts/cultural management

Its quite an extensive list and there's more to add to it, but you get the idea. These are all things which I always wish I could do or do better. Then I thought to myself the other day, why can't I do them? There's nothing to stop me from doing them, so I should just go ahead and do them. It could take me a few months or twenty years but if I don't fulfil any of them then at least I can say I've tried.

Or perhaps this list is just a glaring sign that I'm painfully single and alone....

The Price is Right?

2008-04-16T22:45:30Z

I stumbled across this story in the news the other week, about a man in Australia auctioning off his entire life on Ebay. Ian Usher is the man and at his website he had detailed and catalogued all his belongings; house, contents, vehicles etc. However, he is not just selling his possessions and worldly belongings, which arguably could not be called selling his life; he is actually throwing in with it his lifestyle, friends and job! A truly complete modern day package of the seemingly perfect life. His house is lovely, and he has all the things a modern day someone would want.

Many people would find this idea completely absurd, and I myself can see an element of that within such a 'madcap crazy scheme'. However, despite its implausibility, it is certainly is an intriguing idea, which at heart I am enamoured with. The idea of completely disclosing yourself of everything you own, your whole life... your identity perhaps and all sentimentality you hold toward your possessions is a daunting one at that. Yet, this man is doing so under the circumstance of splitting from his wife of six years, and using the money to go anywhere and do anything he wants.

The goal of the project and the reward he gains from the sacrifice is certainly tempting. Indeed I feel it would take something of that magnitude, a major shift in your life and circumstances to prompt you to do such a thing. It is that aspect that is truly appealing. Who in life doesn't dream at times of ditching everything and starting again? Creating a blank slate and escaping from the monotony of our everyday lives, which one may have been stuck in for over 20 years. I would certainly love to try out such an experiment in my forties, perhaps. The appeal of escaping, and the liberation from a life which, may not necessarily be dull or boring, but just having gone on too long is, perhaps not such a crazy idea after all. In fact, who knows, maybe it could become common place.

It seems to me that getting up and leaving for somewhere completely new, even becoming a new person, creating a new identity is something that one could associate with the past; when people had the ability to do so and weren't tracked and placed on file so much. Perhaps it would be an idea for this act of complete and utter change to become say, in vogue again. A modern day repackaging of the escape they used to fictionalise so much in the films of old. Yet, this is probably the romantic in me getting carried away...

There are certainly flaws in the idea, especially this specific one of Mr. Usher; selling your friends, lifestyle and job are difficult to say the least. It perhaps more of a novelty than it is a practical reality. How can he be sure that his buyer (assuming he even gets one) will take on board his kind of lifestyle or like his friends?! Maybe his buyer will be a fat lazy guy who just wants to sit in his spa watching his widescreen from the patio all day. In fact, the whole aspect of him trying to sell on his life as a whole, is somewhat narcissistic seeming... to me it's almost like he doesn't want to give up on all he has worked to achieve, and assumes that his life is so great that someone would want it just like that!

The idea that anyone can just buy a life readymade with all the necessities of a job, friends and a lifestyle, is a little... off-putting. I wonder if he will ever get a buyer, who will truly be committed to, at least test-driving his friends, job and lifestyle like he wants; or whether the buyer will merely want his home and possessions and disregard the rest. For what is unnerving about this idea is that someone can buy a whole perfect 'life', as if they were picking something out of a catalogue or off a supermarket shelf. Selling your possessions is one thing; marketing you r whole life and identity is another. I wonder what this says about the person that is selling and the person that is buying? I mean, who would really want to take someone else's 'life' so to speak?! and if so for what reasons!

Thus there are flaws to his plan, yet on the whole I think if I had been through something major like he had, it would be a liberating and exciting thing to do. Some people crave stability in their lives and plans, and whilst I like to have a plan in place too, I think that after a while a real shake up in situation and change is something which is vital to a fulfilling life. Change should be just as vital to humans as stability and security, and perhaps nowadays we become too stuck in our ways and attached to the material things in life and the routine, that we miss out on important and life enriching experiences. I know that this idea is something I will certainly keep in mind throughout my life and if I did ever reach a point such as him, I might just be crazy enough to consider it!

I'll be keeping an eye to see if anyone does actually buy his life...

Rage against the system

2008-02-02T20:34:35Z

Listening: Stuck Inside of Mobile with the Memphis Blues Again - Bob Dylan (Covered by Cat Power)

Thinking about the future is giving me a headache. Trying to plan for it is rapidly turning it from a headache into a never ending migraine. It looms over me like a giant hovering mushroom cloud; only the bomb has not yet gone of... its waiting 'til June. I continue to have no concrete idea of what I want to do after graduation and as I lurch from one idea to a completely different other, I feel like my life is being tossed around like a lone leaf in the extremely harsh gales battering the UK at the moment. Amongst my feelings of ever encroaching despair and frustration, I can't help but feeling resentful towards the system. There are two systems, both at fault; the system of education which is soon to be my past and the future system of the job market. But they combine into the ever more horrendous and homogenous system that is modern life in general.

The education system, which I have been in for over 15 years now is totally flawed as it expects you to know what you want to do with your life when you're 15 years old, and choosing your a-levels. Yet, at that age you're not going to have any experience of the working world and how the fuck do you know what you want to be, when there is virtually no information or guidance provided. Case in point, I did not know then that I would really like to be a forensic scientist. Thus I did not take any science a-levels, so now I have no way in hell of being able to pursue that career without taking adult-learning courses in a-level biology, which would cost thousands of pounds and take two years! Then the system of the job market and application process is totally flawed too. It expects graduates to have experience in the field they're applying, and to also have been involved in a trillion and one things during university along with studying to get a first class degree. The irony of this is, as me and my flat mate discussed the other day; those who take up lots of extracurricular activities are more often than not those who are geeky, overachievers with a low social life. Therefore, what employers take to be a sign of having great team-working, communication and inter-personal skills; more often than not means that person has the social skills of a Nazi leper, and are completely socially retarded. Those who can sell things well, network and schmooze to the max are usually found in bars, socialising non stop with no time for geek society!

My encounters thus far and thoughts on my future have led me to thinking about modern society as a whole - that along with my rather apt modern-political thought module, which is incredibly interesting and looks at critical theory of the modern world along with the infamous post-modernism. The ideas of Marcuse, a German theorist, on capitalist society, the pervasion of a homogenous culture and the need for counter-cultural movements, have struck a chord with me. I feel that the society of today has become so concerned with selling everything to us, in order to continue its capitalist dominance, that even life itself is something which they try to sell us now. Not literally of course, but a certain way of life, is foisted upon us, sold to us as a brand or an ethos. We are told what a good life is, what a successful life is... the way we live, the career we choose, if one at all, is all shaped by the pressures of society.

I find it all too much, and want to scream my lungs out at the futility of it all. Who is to say what a good way of life is, or what a successful future is? WHO? I ask is the judge of all these wonderful benchmarks by which we should live. Why are you only deemed successful if you, say, earn vast amounts of money and are able to buy nice shiny commodities? Why is the ability to purchase and consume better and higher quantities of possessions a sign of you leading a good life, of having made it?! Made it to what I wonder!? - having a rather meaningless and vacuous life; one that has managed to cause more waste than others. It all leads me to question why a mapped out corporate career is good, why should I want that? ... I DON'T! I'm made to feel like that's what I should do, cause that's the way to success and goodness. To stability and a good retirement. Why do I want to be thinking of retirement now, who says I want stability, a marriage and a family? Why can't I just have random careerless jobs that allow me to be how I want and live comfortably, whilst having the time to myself that I want - why is that so frowned upon?!

Of course, there are no answers. There is no ubiquitous judge of what is better and what is not. It wouldn't be right if there was, it's just that it feels as if there is, and I'm being judged badly.

I know I'm sounding clichéd here, but the more I contemplate what to do and the more I research into opportunities, the more I run head first into a solid brick wall. Every single job, graduate scheme, placement, internship, volunteering scheme, postgrad degree that I look into I feel as if I can't do it. I don't have any work experience other than shop work and I haven't done much in the way of extracurricular stuff whilst here. Not because I didn't want to, I just wasn't attracted by anything on offer. Thus, the more I read all the terrible jargon filled job briefs and what is required, I become increasingly unsure of my abilities and feel totally inadequate for most of what is on offer. I wonder how it has come to this?! I've never felt like this before in regard to my academic studies, I've always done well, pretty much top of the class and I'm intelligent. I can adapt and learn new things very easily. BUT - this terrible fear grips me when I think of myself in a real proper job, with responsibilities and people depending on me, where I'll have to give presentations and produce results ... I can do it all, I know I can, but then the fear of failure sets in and that's it ... I've never really failed in anything I've done before. I may not have been the best, but I never failed and I'm fixated on the fact that I will. Thus, it stops me for applying for anything at all - and I'm right back to where I started.

I need help! I need someone to talk to, rather than just typing it all into this blank box or scrawling it in the lined pages of my diary. I need someone to tell me it'll be ok - except it won't and the more I think, the more the migraine comes back and I feel as if I'm slipping into a black abyss of despair.

Confusion is a seemingly permanent mindset at the moment not only on this subject but on my personal life too, friends and relationships, and what I want against what I'm getting from them. Not that I have a relationship so to speak of, and being single for over two years now, whilst in the prime place that is university, is starting to grate. Though, I'm not really a date person at all, so it's pretty much my fault. The point being, that I love my friends but with some of them its a constant battle; a war between me & my pride. I feel as though I'm harassing them or annoying them, in order to just hang out. Therefore, half the time I'm screaming at myself to just speak out & tell them, or just stop bothering with them all together, because I have too much pride to keep on being the one chasing them up. I've had this experience with people all my life and its always led to hurt, so this time I know that I should just move on and not become so attached - keep convincing myself that it's their loss - which works for about five minutes.

Film Project

2007-11-08T14:57:21Z

I've become obsessed with the medium of film as of late. I've always been an avid watcher of film and I mostly enjoy films that make you think rather than the stupid Hollywood comedy. However, over the last few months I have become engrossed in researching and educating myself in film, especially those of the past.

My project started off small. After getting the observer guide to film one day in the summer I decided I would compile a list of films I should see. Sort of along the lines of those lists you find that tell you all the films you must see before you die... not that I'm planning on dying anytime soon. Anyway, what started out small grew into a pretty massive project of listing, researching and generally becoming obsessed with finding out about certain films and stars of the Golden Age of Hollywood. I've found myself becoming increasingly enchanted by the world of 1940s film, more specifically film noir. Other genres of that era like the romantic comedy's or musicals don't interest me, but film noir has. It's bleak, mysterious and stylized cinematography along with its enigmatic stars such as Bogart and Bacall (possibly the one of the most beautiful women in the world) and its intricate plotlines make for some of the most iconic and brilliant films of all time. My list has become extensive and out of this has grown a full blown obsession with the 1940's, its fashion and style, architecture and design ... I can't quite describe what it is that so captures me about the period but it just has.

Obsession is something that I tend to lean towards. I'm not a person that does things half heartedly, unfortunately however, it never tends to lend itself to my academic work. I wish I could apply half of the drive I have towards actually writing my dissertation. I'm in the midst of researching for it, and don't get me wrong my topic does interest me very much. Nixon's policy of achieving 'peace with honour' in Vietnam is a very interesting and engaging topic. I love being able to focus on the political history of one of the most interesting wars of the 20th century and perhaps my favourite US President of all time. However, I suppose this is the problem for a lot of people that the actual writing of a 12,000 word researched document is rather daunting and not as fun as the researching part. Alas I need to press on with it as it is due in after Christmas...

Another very daunting task looming large at the moment is; what to do after graduation? I really hate people asking me this question, because honestly I don't want to think about it. Again it's strange as I'm very much a organisational, planning freak, yet I don't seem to be able to apply this to my future career. It's possibly one of the most important things that I'll ever need to think about, but I just can't get my head around it. The fact that I have no idea where to start or what I want may not be helping. The actual thought of literally deciding what I'm going to do for the most part of my future life overwhelms me so much, that I just want to sit in a corner and cry. My aversion to change and the fact that I'd really love to be a forensic investigator, whilst having no qualifications what so ever to actually follow that up could also be an obstacle too... Oh well maybe I'll just be a hippy drifter instead...

Defined by genre?

2007-07-13T19:02:09Z

Listening: Without You Here - Finch I've been thinking a lot lately about why it is I and well ... everyone likes the music they do. Why are we attracted to the types and genres that we are? What does music say about us as people? The social impact of music is something which has intrigued me for a while so I thought I'd write down all my ramblings. I actually started writing this blog in May and it has taken me this long to figure out my thoughts into a somewhat coherent piece .... anyway here they are.... Music is possibly the most dominant form of entertainment there is and its importance within popular culture is undeniable. It seems that over the past decade its impact upon the social realm has grown. For a lot of people music and the social side of it are inseparable and it has grown beyond being just music and into a kind of social structure in itself. Like the structure of gender or age, musical preference, usually by genre, has come define a person's identity, lifestyle and even personality. Whenever I meet new people, as I did just the other night in the pub, I find that one of the first questions that they ask is, "what kind of music do I like?". It's not that this really bothers me, more that it intrigues me as to why my music tastes are an important indicator to my character. Obviously discussing music and connecting with others through a shared love for the same artist or type of music is integral to social interaction. Entertainment of all kinds, be it music, film, art or theatre would never be as much fun if we could not share our passion for it with others. Yet music has gone beyond being something you 'just' listen to or share with others, it has become something which others seemingly base your whole character on. Now when someone asks about music, a lot of people do so (consciously or not) in order to place you in the social category that goes along with it. It is this whole phenomenon of social labels based upon music, with which I have a slight problem. Labelling or making assumptions and judgements about a person's character & personality, based wholly upon the main kind of music that they enjoy is largely misguided. Yes we are all guilty of doing it, and in the large part music does provide a good character reference point, but is artist or genre really the best criteria by which to do so. Music is something which is highly personal and provides inspiration, along with being a point for emotional release. Therefore a person's musical preference will say a lot about them. What attracts us to a specific genre is something which is an innate part of our character. Personally lyrics and melody are of the highest importance, as they are what I connect with, evoke emotion and inspire all sorts of different thoughts and actions. However, for some it will be the rhythm, beat & drive of the song. Others will hold musical expertise, instruments, melody, tone & depth to be definitive. Some want experimentation and sprawling intricacies, whilst others just want simplicity and structure. I tell people that I mainly listen to metal, yet I have numerous different genres and artists that they would then not expect me to like. Thus when I answer the obligatory music question they are only really getting a small glimpse as to what I like and so to what my personality and character is like. Yes, metal is part of my identity and I like to express my personality to others by way of how I dress, tattoos and piercings etc... yet it is certainly not the main way in which I define myself. Ultimately I feel that judgements based upon music, genres especially, are misguided. I feel that when asking a person about music, we should enquire about what it is in the music they hold to be most important. This would obviously take a rather in depth conversation, but provide a much better view of a person's character and personality. We don't always have time for this, and so either judgement should be refrained from, or we should all take a step back from viewing it as the most important character trait. I do feel it that music is an important part of what makes a person, and to all that feel the same it will naturally reflect a large part of 'who' they are as a person and their identity. However, it is not quite the matter of life or death as some people like to make out. Some go too far in deliberately avoiding ever having contact with those they label 'emo' or 'new rave', just because the associated music is seen by them as awful or the followers to be fake. There are also many that view it as 'just' music and may not connect with it on such a deep or emotional level. Perhaps all of us should remember that music is meant to bring enjoyment, rather than the constant criticism and hating that is so prevalent today. ------------------------------------------------------ I've also been musing over numerous other subjects of later, ever since easter I think it was. Suffice to say that during a uneventful and rather tedious holiday I realised that there are so many, many things in this world that I don't know about or haven't experienced and that I really ought to. Learning as much as I can about all the things that interest me is a goal that will remain with me in all the things I do for the rest of my life. I decided that no longer could I waste time on things that have no real meaning. There are films I should view, books I should read, places I should go and so many things I should do. However, an interest in such things remains the key. I will never force myself to read a book that I may not like just because I feel I ought to read it. With my final year at Birmingham fast approaching what to do after does seem a daunting task. Thus, it was more of a general life realisation and not anything that needs to be immediate or have a concrete plan. I just want to make sure that I always keep this in mind so that I never regret not having done something. Meaning to life is paramount. I was hoping that my summer this year would be better and more exciting but unfortunately I am going to be on crutches for the most part. It was in April that I dislocated my knee again for the third time in my life. I have now recovered but next week I am undergoing knee surgery to stabilise it for the future. The thought of surgery scares me a little as I've never undergone any before hand, yet dislocating it again is perhaps my biggest fear. Not just because it is the most painful thing I have ever experienced, but the fact that at any moment when walking or running etc it could just give way, as it did in April. Everything else is well, essay and exam trauma were experienced as normal but survived! I've passed the year with a 2:1, a tad lucky I feel. Next year I definitely need to work harder, but as always I most probably won't change my habits...