Numerous months ago now, when I was moving into a new room in our house, which entailed a massive sort out of shit, I stumbled upon something awesome. No we didn't find some ridiculously ugly antique which is actually worth a shitload of money, in fact this item isn't probably worth that much, but to me its worth a lot. It's something which I wished I'd had and thought about buying, but knowing nothing about this particular object or the hobby attached to it I decided it might be a frivolous waste of my money, kinda like my buying a £300 guitar was; especially in these times of economic hardship. However this discovery has saved me the money...

See, amidst my growing love for the old, I've developed a slight obsession for vintage items. But it's really quite a mish-mash of different eras and things that I like; I love art deco architecture and design, especially the huge wooden dressing tables and chests they would have back then, along with the visual art and posters. I also love furniture from the 1960s, especially chairs! Amongst the growing list of things I wish I'd studied and become, chair designer is one of them (woodwork was my favourite lesson). I don't quite know what it is about chairs that I especially love, but the iconic ones by Eams & Breur just grab me ... my future house is going to be filled with chairs. I can't get enough of 1950s and 60s stuff; the wiggle dresses of the 50s or mini go-go shift dresses of the 60s, little trinkets and the Bakelite phones etc, although I think I want one of these phones when I can get one.

Anyway, getting off track a bit here, amongst this wish list of items what I really wanted was an old school camera. One like David Hemmings has when he's running around in Blow Up, failing to do a thing about the murder he's captured on film cause he's too busy shagging Jane Birkin & going to freaky parties in castles (or is that last bit La Dolce Vita ... it's all blur). If you haven't see it, I've just spoilt you on it but here's a little visual so you know what I'm talking about... Sexy!

Now as I said, it's probably not worth loads, but it's in good nick, and comes with an over the shoulder carrying case, an extra zoom lens and a separate flash bulb you attach to the top. I got so excited about this I spent the next few hours prancing around pretending I was Hemmings or some kind of David Bailey type that I overlooked the fact I have no clue how to work it, and know sod all about photography.

Now as seemingly everyone will attest to the same, I've always wished to learn photography, or at least get better at it and be able to take arty, poncy shots of breaking waves and shit. So this find has thrown up the prime opportunity, overnight I have acquired an awesome non-digital, proper film SLR camera, now to just learn about photography. I have managed to find a manual online of what all the buttons and dials do, so really I want to get a little guide book to how all the things like shutter speed and light affect the shots.

It's actually quite nice and nostalgic to find something that is a throwback to how things used to be done. The digital camera has become so ubiquitous now, its funny having to learn how to fit a film, and in a way I feel it is better that you don't have 8GB of memory to take hundreds of shots - with this you only have 35 shots before your film is up. It's both limiting yet oddly liberating at the same time; in the sense that it liberates you from the shackles of dependency upon digital means and complacency to good shot making that this engenders in photographers. The nostalgia it creates is comforting, kind of like going back to watching VHS or playing an old mix tape, that you'd sat for three hours listening to the top 40 on the radio to record the best songs; frantically scrabbling to cut it right so you didn't get any of the annoying radio sound bite or adverts trampling over the ends and then minutely writing the track listing out on the back cover. Aah those were the days!

Yesterday iTunes downloaded me the newest version of itself which included a new gadget - the Genius Sidebar. The Genius bar offers recommendations to you based upon the songs you are playing in your library. For example, if I were listening to something by say...  Isis, my handy Genius bar recommends me songs that I haven't got, namely by Melvins, Meshuggah, and The Dillinger Escape Plan that I know do sound something alike - as for Windmills By the Ocean and This Will Destroy You, I have no idea!

Now the art of recommending music to people is no new phenomenon; in the past you would usually rely upon genre specific publications, radio, or a trusted friend with similar tastes, to give you the latest low down on new music, film books etc. However, in these modern times of digital media wizardry, where most people use their computer to procure, store and play all their music, it's no wonder that some clever genius cottoned on to the fact that recommending music to those too lazy to actively search around themselves, could mean big business. So now there are a rash of websites, providing people with not just any old recommendations based upon their lowly, uneducated ear - or poncy, high-brow sneering one - but tailor bloody made to your own wonderful tastes!

And about time too, I hear some people say, after all that computers can do you'd think they can match the fact that some idiot who likes one blonde-generic-pop-bimbo is going to like their slightly skinnier and younger clone too.

So you've now got Apple's so called 'Genius Bar', along with Last.fm and, one other that I've road tested, The Filter. Ignoring the fact that a part of me feels that ones taste in music and film cannot be predicted by a computer or based upon five reviews given of totally unrelated films - I do actually use these things. They are rather helpful in some respects. I am a huge fan of Last.fm, though somewhat biased because the other two are new to me. However, of what I've seen I'd still say Last.fm was ahead by a mile. It works by adding a small application to iTunes or whatever media player you use, and then 'scrobbles' (that would be records, to anyone normal) the tracks you listen to. Simple as! You don't need to do anything else but listen to your music as normal and the more you listen, the more it can build up knowledge of what you will like.

I've downloaded loads of new artists thanks to its recommendations, and have to say they're pretty spot on. Although take your eye off it for one moment and an accidental scrobble of Will Young could seriously damage your overall taste. Also I don't think it's quite sure what to suggest when I've scrobbled a mixture of Huey Lewis & Robert Palmer, Chopin, Slipknot and Dire Straits all in one week.... this is where nothing can trump the human mind.

The Filter is slightly different in that it relies upon a similar application and also your own % ratings of artists and films. Apparently it also combines the two and will deduce something along the lines, that if you listen to a lot of metal you will like horror films. I think The Filter is a good idea, but I find the rating and reviewing a laborious task - and the range of artists limited - and I'd say it's also true that people only really rate artists that they like and know, and are also swayed by what they deem cool to like/hate.

The Genius bar is somewhat negligible to be honest. It obviously recommends songs on that which you haven't already got, and which other users have also bought, like Amazon. To be honest it's clearly a catch up/marketing ploy by Apple to get you to purchase more from the iTunes store.

All three of these sites however rely upon the other users and how many members it has. Last.fm not only goes upon matching up obviously related artists, but also on what other users are listening to in addition to the root artist. So, as with so many things, these sites are only as good as their users.

Merits and drawbacks aside...

I find it a fascinating concept that nowadays, instead of relying upon any number of reviews and critical opinions, thought up by people who may have spent years immersed in a certain genre of music - we now listen to a computer. Instead of weighing up the opinion of people who have actual human ears to hear music, or eyes to see a film, and form an opinion on it, as well as knowing the background and progression of the artist and their work - we now take the advice of a computer. There's something highly disconcerting and a touch Orwellian about the fact that we rely upon highly devised mathematical algorithms to tell us what to listen to and watch.

Numerous things are wrong with this scenario; 1) It highlights a catastrophically huge waste of time, effort and above all money - Peter Gabriel's The Filter has had $8.5million in investment - to think up highly intricate algorithms - so as to be able to see that someone who likes Iggy Pop may also like The Stooges!!
2) To hear Peter Gabriel talk about it, you can't help but get the feeling that in fifty years time we'll be living in a futuristic world where humans and thinking altogether will have become obsolete; instead we'll all be run by computers, with nothing left to do but breathe. Well why not ey?... apparently freedom of choice is a massive burden, especially when we live a "24hr lifestyle". In fact it would seem that not only do these gadgets free us from the total inundation of media the interweb provides us (which, granted is a problem) - but that overall these programmes are better at knowing what you'll like than your own self! 

And there's the crux - a somewhat ethical question really - will there come a day when computers are better at making decisions than a human mind. It starts with simple things like deciding upon songs or which route you take in a car - all in a nice calming voice, until they eventually become wiser and they decide that the meatsacks they are helping out are worthless lazy lumps - and they'd be better of without us!

Or maybe I've been reading too much fantasy sci-fi? I mean I live in a world of magical seeds for god's sake... 

Listening: Stuck Inside of Mobile with the Memphis Blues Again - Bob Dylan (Covered by Cat Power)

Thinking about the future is giving me a headache. Trying to plan for it is rapidly turning it from a headache into a never ending migraine. It looms over me like a giant hovering mushroom cloud; only the bomb has not yet gone of... its waiting 'til June. I continue to have no concrete idea of what I want to do after graduation and as I lurch from one idea to a completely different other, I feel like my life is being tossed around like a lone leaf in the extremely harsh gales battering the UK at the moment. Amongst my feelings of ever encroaching despair and frustration, I can't help but feeling resentful towards the system. There are two systems, both at fault; the system of education which is soon to be my past and the future system of the job market. But they combine into the ever more horrendous and homogenous system that is modern life in general.

The education system, which I have been in for over 15 years now is totally flawed as it expects you to know what you want to do with your life when you're 15 years old, and choosing your a-levels. Yet, at that age you're not going to have any experience of the working world and how the fuck do you know what you want to be, when there is virtually no information or guidance provided. Case in point, I did not know then that I would really like to be a forensic scientist. Thus I did not take any science a-levels, so now I have no way in hell of being able to pursue that career without taking adult-learning courses in a-level biology, which would cost thousands of pounds and take two years! Then the system of the job market and application process is totally flawed too. It expects graduates to have experience in the field they're applying, and to also have been involved in a trillion and one things during university along with studying to get a first class degree. The irony of this is, as me and my flat mate discussed the other day; those who take up lots of extracurricular activities are more often than not those who are geeky, overachievers with a low social life. Therefore, what employers take to be a sign of having great team-working, communication and inter-personal skills; more often than not means that person has the social skills of a Nazi leper, and are completely socially retarded. Those who can sell things well, network and schmooze to the max are usually found in bars, socialising non stop with no time for geek society! 

My encounters thus far and thoughts on my future have led me to thinking about modern society as a whole - that along with my rather apt modern-political thought module, which is incredibly interesting and looks at critical theory of the modern world along with the infamous post-modernism. The ideas of Marcuse, a German theorist, on capitalist society, the pervasion of a homogenous culture and the need for counter-cultural movements, have struck a chord with me. I feel that the society of today has become so concerned with selling everything to us, in order to continue its capitalist dominance, that even life itself is something which they try to sell us now. Not literally of course, but a certain way of life, is foisted upon us, sold to us as a brand or an ethos. We are told what a good life is, what a successful life is... the way we live, the career we choose, if one at all, is all shaped by the pressures of society. 

I find it all too much, and want to scream my lungs out at the futility of it all. Who is to say what a good way of life is, or what a successful future is? WHO? I ask is the judge of all these wonderful benchmarks by which we should live. Why are you only deemed successful if you, say, earn vast amounts of money and are able to buy nice shiny commodities? Why is the ability to purchase and consume better and higher quantities of possessions a sign of you leading a good life, of having made it?! Made it to what I wonder!? - having a rather meaningless and vacuous life; one that has managed to cause more waste than others. It all leads me to question why a mapped out corporate career is good, why should I want that? ... I DON'T! I'm made to feel like that's what I should do, cause that's the way to success and goodness. To stability and a good retirement. Why do I want to be thinking of retirement now, who says I want stability, a marriage and a family? Why can't I just have random careerless jobs that allow me to be how I want and live comfortably, whilst having the time to myself that I want - why is that so frowned upon?! 

Of course, there are no answers. There is no ubiquitous judge of what is better and what is not. It wouldn't be right if there was, it's just that it feels as if there is, and I'm being judged badly. 

I know I'm sounding clichéd here, but the more I contemplate what to do and the more I research into opportunities, the more I run head first into a solid brick wall. Every single job, graduate scheme, placement, internship, volunteering scheme, postgrad degree that I look into I feel as if I can't do it. I don't have any work experience other than shop work and I haven't done much in the way of extracurricular stuff whilst here. Not because I didn't want to, I just wasn't attracted by anything on offer. Thus, the more I read all the terrible jargon filled job briefs and what is required, I become increasingly unsure of my abilities and feel totally inadequate for most of what is on offer. I wonder how it has come to this?! I've never felt like this before in regard to my academic studies, I've always done well, pretty much top of the class and I'm intelligent. I can adapt and learn new things very easily. BUT - this terrible fear grips me when I think of myself in a real proper job, with responsibilities and people depending on me, where I'll have to give presentations and produce results ... I can do it all, I know I can, but then the fear of failure sets in and that's it ... I've never really failed in anything I've done before. I may not have been the best, but I never failed and I'm fixated on the fact that I will. Thus, it stops me for applying for anything at all - and I'm right back to where I started. 

I need help! I need someone to talk to, rather than just typing it all into this blank box or scrawling it in the lined pages of my diary. I need someone to tell me it'll be ok - except it won't and the more I think, the more the migraine comes back and I feel as if I'm slipping into a black abyss of despair. 

Confusion is a seemingly permanent mindset at the moment not only on this subject but on my personal life too, friends and relationships, and what I want against what I'm getting from them. Not that I have a relationship so to speak of, and being single for over two years now, whilst in the prime place that is university, is starting to grate. Though, I'm not really a date person at all, so it's pretty much my fault. The point being, that I love my friends but with some of them its a constant battle; a war between me & my pride. I feel as though I'm harassing them or annoying them, in order to just hang out. Therefore, half the time I'm screaming at myself to just speak out & tell them, or just stop bothering with them all together, because I have too much pride to keep on being the one chasing them up. I've had this experience with people all my life and its always led to hurt, so this time I know that I should just move on and not become so attached - keep convincing myself that it's their loss - which works for about five minutes.