Mechanical Thoughts

The Price is Right?

2008-04-16T22:45:30Z

I stumbled across this story in the news the other week, about a man in Australia auctioning off his entire life on Ebay. Ian Usher is the man and at his website he had detailed and catalogued all his belongings; house, contents, vehicles etc. However, he is not just selling his possessions and worldly belongings, which arguably could not be called selling his life; he is actually throwing in with it his lifestyle, friends and job! A truly complete modern day package of the seemingly perfect life. His house is lovely, and he has all the things a modern day someone would want.

Many people would find this idea completely absurd, and I myself can see an element of that within such a 'madcap crazy scheme'. However, despite its implausibility, it is certainly is an intriguing idea, which at heart I am enamoured with. The idea of completely disclosing yourself of everything you own, your whole life... your identity perhaps and all sentimentality you hold toward your possessions is a daunting one at that. Yet, this man is doing so under the circumstance of splitting from his wife of six years, and using the money to go anywhere and do anything he wants.

The goal of the project and the reward he gains from the sacrifice is certainly tempting. Indeed I feel it would take something of that magnitude, a major shift in your life and circumstances to prompt you to do such a thing. It is that aspect that is truly appealing. Who in life doesn't dream at times of ditching everything and starting again? Creating a blank slate and escaping from the monotony of our everyday lives, which one may have been stuck in for over 20 years. I would certainly love to try out such an experiment in my forties, perhaps. The appeal of escaping, and the liberation from a life which, may not necessarily be dull or boring, but just having gone on too long is, perhaps not such a crazy idea after all. In fact, who knows, maybe it could become common place.

It seems to me that getting up and leaving for somewhere completely new, even becoming a new person, creating a new identity is something that one could associate with the past; when people had the ability to do so and weren't tracked and placed on file so much. Perhaps it would be an idea for this act of complete and utter change to become say, in vogue again. A modern day repackaging of the escape they used to fictionalise so much in the films of old. Yet, this is probably the romantic in me getting carried away...

There are certainly flaws in the idea, especially this specific one of Mr. Usher; selling your friends, lifestyle and job are difficult to say the least. It perhaps more of a novelty than it is a practical reality. How can he be sure that his buyer (assuming he even gets one) will take on board his kind of lifestyle or like his friends?! Maybe his buyer will be a fat lazy guy who just wants to sit in his spa watching his widescreen from the patio all day. In fact, the whole aspect of him trying to sell on his life as a whole, is somewhat narcissistic seeming... to me it's almost like he doesn't want to give up on all he has worked to achieve, and assumes that his life is so great that someone would want it just like that!

The idea that anyone can just buy a life readymade with all the necessities of a job, friends and a lifestyle, is a little... off-putting. I wonder if he will ever get a buyer, who will truly be committed to, at least test-driving his friends, job and lifestyle like he wants; or whether the buyer will merely want his home and possessions and disregard the rest. For what is unnerving about this idea is that someone can buy a whole perfect 'life', as if they were picking something out of a catalogue or off a supermarket shelf. Selling your possessions is one thing; marketing you r whole life and identity is another. I wonder what this says about the person that is selling and the person that is buying? I mean, who would really want to take someone else's 'life' so to speak?! and if so for what reasons!

Thus there are flaws to his plan, yet on the whole I think if I had been through something major like he had, it would be a liberating and exciting thing to do. Some people crave stability in their lives and plans, and whilst I like to have a plan in place too, I think that after a while a real shake up in situation and change is something which is vital to a fulfilling life. Change should be just as vital to humans as stability and security, and perhaps nowadays we become too stuck in our ways and attached to the material things in life and the routine, that we miss out on important and life enriching experiences. I know that this idea is something I will certainly keep in mind throughout my life and if I did ever reach a point such as him, I might just be crazy enough to consider it!

I'll be keeping an eye to see if anyone does actually buy his life...

Rage against the system

2008-02-02T20:34:35Z

Listening: Stuck Inside of Mobile with the Memphis Blues Again - Bob Dylan (Covered by Cat Power)

Thinking about the future is giving me a headache. Trying to plan for it is rapidly turning it from a headache into a never ending migraine. It looms over me like a giant hovering mushroom cloud; only the bomb has not yet gone of... its waiting 'til June. I continue to have no concrete idea of what I want to do after graduation and as I lurch from one idea to a completely different other, I feel like my life is being tossed around like a lone leaf in the extremely harsh gales battering the UK at the moment. Amongst my feelings of ever encroaching despair and frustration, I can't help but feeling resentful towards the system. There are two systems, both at fault; the system of education which is soon to be my past and the future system of the job market. But they combine into the ever more horrendous and homogenous system that is modern life in general.

The education system, which I have been in for over 15 years now is totally flawed as it expects you to know what you want to do with your life when you're 15 years old, and choosing your a-levels. Yet, at that age you're not going to have any experience of the working world and how the fuck do you know what you want to be, when there is virtually no information or guidance provided. Case in point, I did not know then that I would really like to be a forensic scientist. Thus I did not take any science a-levels, so now I have no way in hell of being able to pursue that career without taking adult-learning courses in a-level biology, which would cost thousands of pounds and take two years! Then the system of the job market and application process is totally flawed too. It expects graduates to have experience in the field they're applying, and to also have been involved in a trillion and one things during university along with studying to get a first class degree. The irony of this is, as me and my flat mate discussed the other day; those who take up lots of extracurricular activities are more often than not those who are geeky, overachievers with a low social life. Therefore, what employers take to be a sign of having great team-working, communication and inter-personal skills; more often than not means that person has the social skills of a Nazi leper, and are completely socially retarded. Those who can sell things well, network and schmooze to the max are usually found in bars, socialising non stop with no time for geek society!

My encounters thus far and thoughts on my future have led me to thinking about modern society as a whole - that along with my rather apt modern-political thought module, which is incredibly interesting and looks at critical theory of the modern world along with the infamous post-modernism. The ideas of Marcuse, a German theorist, on capitalist society, the pervasion of a homogenous culture and the need for counter-cultural movements, have struck a chord with me. I feel that the society of today has become so concerned with selling everything to us, in order to continue its capitalist dominance, that even life itself is something which they try to sell us now. Not literally of course, but a certain way of life, is foisted upon us, sold to us as a brand or an ethos. We are told what a good life is, what a successful life is... the way we live, the career we choose, if one at all, is all shaped by the pressures of society.

I find it all too much, and want to scream my lungs out at the futility of it all. Who is to say what a good way of life is, or what a successful future is? WHO? I ask is the judge of all these wonderful benchmarks by which we should live. Why are you only deemed successful if you, say, earn vast amounts of money and are able to buy nice shiny commodities? Why is the ability to purchase and consume better and higher quantities of possessions a sign of you leading a good life, of having made it?! Made it to what I wonder!? - having a rather meaningless and vacuous life; one that has managed to cause more waste than others. It all leads me to question why a mapped out corporate career is good, why should I want that? ... I DON'T! I'm made to feel like that's what I should do, cause that's the way to success and goodness. To stability and a good retirement. Why do I want to be thinking of retirement now, who says I want stability, a marriage and a family? Why can't I just have random careerless jobs that allow me to be how I want and live comfortably, whilst having the time to myself that I want - why is that so frowned upon?!

Of course, there are no answers. There is no ubiquitous judge of what is better and what is not. It wouldn't be right if there was, it's just that it feels as if there is, and I'm being judged badly.

I know I'm sounding clichéd here, but the more I contemplate what to do and the more I research into opportunities, the more I run head first into a solid brick wall. Every single job, graduate scheme, placement, internship, volunteering scheme, postgrad degree that I look into I feel as if I can't do it. I don't have any work experience other than shop work and I haven't done much in the way of extracurricular stuff whilst here. Not because I didn't want to, I just wasn't attracted by anything on offer. Thus, the more I read all the terrible jargon filled job briefs and what is required, I become increasingly unsure of my abilities and feel totally inadequate for most of what is on offer. I wonder how it has come to this?! I've never felt like this before in regard to my academic studies, I've always done well, pretty much top of the class and I'm intelligent. I can adapt and learn new things very easily. BUT - this terrible fear grips me when I think of myself in a real proper job, with responsibilities and people depending on me, where I'll have to give presentations and produce results ... I can do it all, I know I can, but then the fear of failure sets in and that's it ... I've never really failed in anything I've done before. I may not have been the best, but I never failed and I'm fixated on the fact that I will. Thus, it stops me for applying for anything at all - and I'm right back to where I started.

I need help! I need someone to talk to, rather than just typing it all into this blank box or scrawling it in the lined pages of my diary. I need someone to tell me it'll be ok - except it won't and the more I think, the more the migraine comes back and I feel as if I'm slipping into a black abyss of despair.

Confusion is a seemingly permanent mindset at the moment not only on this subject but on my personal life too, friends and relationships, and what I want against what I'm getting from them. Not that I have a relationship so to speak of, and being single for over two years now, whilst in the prime place that is university, is starting to grate. Though, I'm not really a date person at all, so it's pretty much my fault. The point being, that I love my friends but with some of them its a constant battle; a war between me & my pride. I feel as though I'm harassing them or annoying them, in order to just hang out. Therefore, half the time I'm screaming at myself to just speak out & tell them, or just stop bothering with them all together, because I have too much pride to keep on being the one chasing them up. I've had this experience with people all my life and its always led to hurt, so this time I know that I should just move on and not become so attached - keep convincing myself that it's their loss - which works for about five minutes.

Film Project

2007-11-08T14:57:21Z

I've become obsessed with the medium of film as of late. I've always been an avid watcher of film and I mostly enjoy films that make you think rather than the stupid Hollywood comedy. However, over the last few months I have become engrossed in researching and educating myself in film, especially those of the past.

My project started off small. After getting the observer guide to film one day in the summer I decided I would compile a list of films I should see. Sort of along the lines of those lists you find that tell you all the films you must see before you die... not that I'm planning on dying anytime soon. Anyway, what started out small grew into a pretty massive project of listing, researching and generally becoming obsessed with finding out about certain films and stars of the Golden Age of Hollywood. I've found myself becoming increasingly enchanted by the world of 1940s film, more specifically film noir. Other genres of that era like the romantic comedy's or musicals don't interest me, but film noir has. It's bleak, mysterious and stylized cinematography along with its enigmatic stars such as Bogart and Bacall (possibly the one of the most beautiful women in the world) and its intricate plotlines make for some of the most iconic and brilliant films of all time. My list has become extensive and out of this has grown a full blown obsession with the 1940's, its fashion and style, architecture and design ... I can't quite describe what it is that so captures me about the period but it just has.

Obsession is something that I tend to lean towards. I'm not a person that does things half heartedly, unfortunately however, it never tends to lend itself to my academic work. I wish I could apply half of the drive I have towards actually writing my dissertation. I'm in the midst of researching for it, and don't get me wrong my topic does interest me very much. Nixon's policy of achieving 'peace with honour' in Vietnam is a very interesting and engaging topic. I love being able to focus on the political history of one of the most interesting wars of the 20th century and perhaps my favourite US President of all time. However, I suppose this is the problem for a lot of people that the actual writing of a 12,000 word researched document is rather daunting and not as fun as the researching part. Alas I need to press on with it as it is due in after Christmas...

Another very daunting task looming large at the moment is; what to do after graduation? I really hate people asking me this question, because honestly I don't want to think about it. Again it's strange as I'm very much a organisational, planning freak, yet I don't seem to be able to apply this to my future career. It's possibly one of the most important things that I'll ever need to think about, but I just can't get my head around it. The fact that I have no idea where to start or what I want may not be helping. The actual thought of literally deciding what I'm going to do for the most part of my future life overwhelms me so much, that I just want to sit in a corner and cry. My aversion to change and the fact that I'd really love to be a forensic investigator, whilst having no qualifications what so ever to actually follow that up could also be an obstacle too... Oh well maybe I'll just be a hippy drifter instead...

Defined by genre?

2007-07-13T19:02:09Z

Listening: Without You Here - Finch I've been thinking a lot lately about why it is I and well ... everyone likes the music they do. Why are we attracted to the types and genres that we are? What does music say about us as people? The social impact of music is something which has intrigued me for a while so I thought I'd write down all my ramblings. I actually started writing this blog in May and it has taken me this long to figure out my thoughts into a somewhat coherent piece .... anyway here they are.... Music is possibly the most dominant form of entertainment there is and its importance within popular culture is undeniable. It seems that over the past decade its impact upon the social realm has grown. For a lot of people music and the social side of it are inseparable and it has grown beyond being just music and into a kind of social structure in itself. Like the structure of gender or age, musical preference, usually by genre, has come define a person's identity, lifestyle and even personality. Whenever I meet new people, as I did just the other night in the pub, I find that one of the first questions that they ask is, "what kind of music do I like?". It's not that this really bothers me, more that it intrigues me as to why my music tastes are an important indicator to my character. Obviously discussing music and connecting with others through a shared love for the same artist or type of music is integral to social interaction. Entertainment of all kinds, be it music, film, art or theatre would never be as much fun if we could not share our passion for it with others. Yet music has gone beyond being something you 'just' listen to or share with others, it has become something which others seemingly base your whole character on. Now when someone asks about music, a lot of people do so (consciously or not) in order to place you in the social category that goes along with it. It is this whole phenomenon of social labels based upon music, with which I have a slight problem. Labelling or making assumptions and judgements about a person's character & personality, based wholly upon the main kind of music that they enjoy is largely misguided. Yes we are all guilty of doing it, and in the large part music does provide a good character reference point, but is artist or genre really the best criteria by which to do so. Music is something which is highly personal and provides inspiration, along with being a point for emotional release. Therefore a person's musical preference will say a lot about them. What attracts us to a specific genre is something which is an innate part of our character. Personally lyrics and melody are of the highest importance, as they are what I connect with, evoke emotion and inspire all sorts of different thoughts and actions. However, for some it will be the rhythm, beat & drive of the song. Others will hold musical expertise, instruments, melody, tone & depth to be definitive. Some want experimentation and sprawling intricacies, whilst others just want simplicity and structure. I tell people that I mainly listen to metal, yet I have numerous different genres and artists that they would then not expect me to like. Thus when I answer the obligatory music question they are only really getting a small glimpse as to what I like and so to what my personality and character is like. Yes, metal is part of my identity and I like to express my personality to others by way of how I dress, tattoos and piercings etc... yet it is certainly not the main way in which I define myself. Ultimately I feel that judgements based upon music, genres especially, are misguided. I feel that when asking a person about music, we should enquire about what it is in the music they hold to be most important. This would obviously take a rather in depth conversation, but provide a much better view of a person's character and personality. We don't always have time for this, and so either judgement should be refrained from, or we should all take a step back from viewing it as the most important character trait. I do feel it that music is an important part of what makes a person, and to all that feel the same it will naturally reflect a large part of 'who' they are as a person and their identity. However, it is not quite the matter of life or death as some people like to make out. Some go too far in deliberately avoiding ever having contact with those they label 'emo' or 'new rave', just because the associated music is seen by them as awful or the followers to be fake. There are also many that view it as 'just' music and may not connect with it on such a deep or emotional level. Perhaps all of us should remember that music is meant to bring enjoyment, rather than the constant criticism and hating that is so prevalent today. ------------------------------------------------------ I've also been musing over numerous other subjects of later, ever since easter I think it was. Suffice to say that during a uneventful and rather tedious holiday I realised that there are so many, many things in this world that I don't know about or haven't experienced and that I really ought to. Learning as much as I can about all the things that interest me is a goal that will remain with me in all the things I do for the rest of my life. I decided that no longer could I waste time on things that have no real meaning. There are films I should view, books I should read, places I should go and so many things I should do. However, an interest in such things remains the key. I will never force myself to read a book that I may not like just because I feel I ought to read it. With my final year at Birmingham fast approaching what to do after does seem a daunting task. Thus, it was more of a general life realisation and not anything that needs to be immediate or have a concrete plan. I just want to make sure that I always keep this in mind so that I never regret not having done something. Meaning to life is paramount. I was hoping that my summer this year would be better and more exciting but unfortunately I am going to be on crutches for the most part. It was in April that I dislocated my knee again for the third time in my life. I have now recovered but next week I am undergoing knee surgery to stabilise it for the future. The thought of surgery scares me a little as I've never undergone any before hand, yet dislocating it again is perhaps my biggest fear. Not just because it is the most painful thing I have ever experienced, but the fact that at any moment when walking or running etc it could just give way, as it did in April. Everything else is well, essay and exam trauma were experienced as normal but survived! I've passed the year with a 2:1, a tad lucky I feel. Next year I definitely need to work harder, but as always I most probably won't change my habits...

21st February 2007

2007-02-21T20:36:15Z

Listening: Jesus Christ - Brand New February offcicially sucks. I hate this month with a passion. Isn't it supposed to be the month of love or whatever cause Valentines is in it?! Well it's completely not & I hate it for that. It seems to be the month when the shit hits the fan.... I'll elaborate.... I know its been bloody ages since I last blogged so a lot has gone on since that time I guess. ------------------------------------------------------ I don't know if I can be bothered to continue this right now. I'm in such a shit mood you wouldn't believe. I don't feel like doing anything other than sitting & watching .... I need people around me, but there's no one or they're not the right people.... I need fun & frolics but everyone's just as depressed. I haven't felt like this in ages... a year ago exactly & I was a million times worse.... hence the reason that February sucks. I will edit this when I'm feeling better and give a lowdown of everything thats gone on since October.... Hopefully at some point

30th October

2006-10-30T20:25:00Z

Listening: Skin & Atmosphere - 36 Crazyfists Reading: Dancing in the Moonlight - by Holly Wow where has time gone, these past months have gone by so quickly and uni life is in full swing once again. September passed pretty uneventful except for my tattoo, which I will talk about later and at the start of October I moved back down to Birmingham ready for the start of the new year. As you should know (if anyone ever reads this) is that I had to look for somewhere new to live at the end of last year and found somewhere but did not know any of my prospective housemates. Anyhoo I moved down on Sept 25th to get all my crap sorted and although my room is small I really like it. The best point is that it's on the ground floor so I don't have to climb the mountain of stairs and I've made it nice and cosy and totally mine with my posters and art. I can fit everything in too, which is always a plus. The only draw back would be that it seems to be surrounded in lead or something because I cannot get any TV signal even with a booster and ariel. That doesn't bother me anywyas cause I tend to watch all TV in the lounge with everyone. So I'm totally settled which is great. I was nervous about starting the year over with new people and scared that we might totally clash and not get on. However the reality couldn't be more different and I have a feeling that this year is going to be great : D. My new housemates are Aimee, Sarah, Lauren and Ruth and we all get on like a house on fire. It's weird cause I feel like I've been friends with them for ages as I'm able to completely be me and feel comfortable. We have some great laughs and Sarah happens to be a Buffy/Angel geek like me...finally I have met someone to share in the geekiness and to watch it with who will appreciate it!! I've already done so much more with them than I did all year with Scarlett and people last year. We've been for meals, had takeout, watched movies, and obviously been out at night. So I'm happy as anything, that it's all going great at the moment. Plus the house is soo nice. I never thought I'd like it as much as I did Elgar but we've totally made it our own. The lounge is so cosy with fairy lights and our big TV and Telewest digital channels. We also obviously have wireless internet. Bills have all been paid so everything is hunky dory, or fineity doodley lol ...I was making up phrases with Sam on MSN. Hopefully it will stay like this.... ------------------------------------------------------ I'm actually pretty surprised at my upbeat mood as of late. I'm just so used to being pretty well ... unhappy and depressed. I don't know why I am always like that ... well yeh I do, I was lonely. I always have been lonely and probably still am in some respects. Except for when I was with Bryn, yet even then with him I felt alone some of the time. Hmm I don't know it just interesting when I think about my state of mind and how I always think that it's gonna be like that and then after a while, nothing significant has happened, but it all just changes for the better. I guess the whole, time heals thing is pretty true. I am totally comfortable with being me now and where I'm at. Ironically just when I'm fine and happy, and used to being single and it hurts a million times less (never completely gone) I start getting asked out again. I don't know if I really want to get into anything straight away. Granted it's not straight away as its been 8 months now but it feels like I'm only just ok with it all so ... truthfully it is. Unless its someone I'm really attracted to (which there is one guy atm) then I don't know. I am going on some dates this week actually, but I didn't really initiate them so I don't know if they'll be anything really. Then again I don't know and I don't wanna pass up something which could lead to something else ... if you get my drift. I'm rambling as per usual. So yeh, its been a strange week, I'm never really one for male attention. I'm a bit retarded when it comes to that. Having only one boyfriend, in fact one male in my whole life, being the total of all interest in me makes me not so confident. I've never really been on a proper date, where you don't really know the person beforehand. I prefer it if you do know them cause it's not so awkward and small-talky. But yeh, I'm pretty clueless when it comes to all things date wise. I guess I'll just be myself. Plus the fact that they're chasing me is a bit of a confidence booster but still ... I've figured out that I need quite a bit of time to really build up my confidence around people to where I'm my normal self. Like in seminars and stuff, which are obviously all new this year, with different people, being as I never really got to know many on my course last year. I always wanna talk but there are some people who totally take over and you end up intimidated and I stay silent. However I think I'm getting there now. I do actually hope to make some friends on my course this year cos I may seem all confident and fine but sitting on your own in lectures isn't the funnest thing ever. Plus I'd like to do stuff in my gaps rather than go to the library all the time lol. I think that's a problem with me. I come across all strong and confident (perhaps, I don't really know) but it's just a front really. I'm totally not and I do wish I knew more people and such. It's just a whole thing left over from school really. I just don't think that people wanna talk to me really, so I tend to stay away and cut myself off from them. Hmmm maybe I should work on that, yet I don't really think it's curable. ------------------------------------------------------ So as I said I got my first tattoo at the start of September and it was ... well kinda surprising in the fact that I was totally shitting myself as to whether I would actually go through with it . I had told my parents before I got it. They weren't too pleased especially at the fact that it cost me £90. Still I went in the car with Deb, Olivia and Sallie to Birmingham, as I was getting it done in the very nice tattoo parlour inside Selfridges of the Bullring. Anywyas, because I was late for it and panicking about that fact, I didn't have too much time to really think about what it was gonna be like which was good. I went in and it was ... well not that bad. The outline hurt like a bitch but I've had worse, what with my knee and stuff. The filling in was actually quite therapeutic and I almost fell asleep, it did take him 2 hrs. Afterwards it didn't hurt at all, just itched as it was scabbing over and now it's totally fine. I LOVE it so so much and I'm pretty proud that I went through with it. I'm wanting to get another massive one preferably that starts a little down my thigh then comes up over my back and above this one and then up the side of my torso. Kind of like an S shape. I also want it to depict different feelings / emotions / concepts that I feel, so Love, loyalty, originality etc... Oh and I also want to get my labret pierced but a vertical one. Don't quite know how the parents will like that but hey ...

23rd August

2006-08-23T18:30:24Z

Listening: Charlie Sheen vs. Henry Rollins - Alexisonfire covering Moneen I don't seem to be able to start this properly, not a clue why but hey... People keep telling me to update and I do have a lot to write about but I just can't seem to get into it. Perhaps it's cause I'm feeling a little sick or just the fact that everything's a little lost in the monotony of my days recently. Note: You can probably tell I'm in thoughtful ponderings mode... : p Summer hols are usually boring but these are just....I don't know really I was just sitting the other day finding everything a bit pointless. Every day goes by so quickly and I try to think about what I did, and I come up with nothing. Yet there are the odd days, usually when I see people, that are good and I find myself liking everything again. I just really don't know sometimes...I wish I had more stuff going on. I've sort of regressed back into my mood of about 3 months ago where I'm missing Bryn like crazy. I was doing so well, at least I thought. I'd had my little revelation thingy and I hadn't contacted him in months, and then boom...I'm walking in town and I see him for the first time in 6 months and everything is back to the start. Now I just keep seeing him everywhere I go...its actually quite spooky. So now I'm back to wanting to talk to him, and I did when I was out the other week, except he got mad at me and has basically told me to fuck off and never speak to him again. I really can't believe him sometimes, he has been so immature and so so horrible to me. I never ever thought he would, or could treat me like this. It's so hurtful and so unfair of him to act like this. He gets to decide everything and I just have to fucking well put up with it. He has no right to treat me this way. It's like he's punishing me for his stupid fucking decision, except I don't know why, cause he's made it clear that he's so not bothered about anything anymore. I'm just so fucking mad at him for treating me worse than some piece of dirt or some cheating slut when I did nothing but love him. ...End Rant...I just really needed to vent that. Its basically all I want to say to him, except he won't let me...so here will have to do. I just feel like shit when I know that he most probably hates me. All I have ever wanted and asked from him is to understand how I'm feeling and just show some fucking compassion. It's funny actually cause he's always telling me to give it to people who fuck me over and that people who don't know compassion should get no respect...well I think he should take a long look at himself sometimes, cause this certainly isn't the man I loved. Sometimes I think there's something seriously wrong with me. I can't seem to get over him and how much it hurts everyday, that he's not a part of my life anymore. He obviously has moved on and he makes me feel like such a freak, like I'm not normal or doing it all wrong, because I'm not fine like him. I think I hate him for that, that he makes me feel like I'm abnormal, takes me back to my school days. It's funny cause I remember him promising me once that'd he'd never do anything to me like the people in my past did. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - As you can tell I've done a much needed new layout, which seemed to take me days. I'm really pleased with it cause I was wanting something pretty dark and grungy. It features Bullet who are on of my current obsessions. At first it seemed as though it was gonna be a boring blend like I usually do but I added in the gun from their logo and then thought some sexy silhouettes totally went with it. Anyways I hope everyone likes it, cause no doubt it'll stay up for months again : D So amongst my usually eventless days I have done a couple of things and the best one is getting my hair done! I got it done about two weeks ago, on a full day out to a top Birmingham salon with Olivia, Debs & Sallie. We bought these experience days out a while back for just £22 and that gave us a cut or colour, make-up, nails, facial and a photo shoot at the end. I decided I wanted a change and so the day before we went I dyed my hair jet black and then at the salon I got bright red streaks put through it. Even though a couple of years ago I said I would never dye it black again I really love it like this cause the red streaks means its not too draining on my skin colour. I think in a few months I'm gonna have black and blue! I also decided about a month back now that I definitely wanted to get a tattoo. I'm booked in at the place inside Selfridges in Birmingham for the 2nd of Sept. I'm pretty nervous about it cause it being my first I have no idea what pain to expect. It's gonna be on the base of my back...common I know but there isn't anywhere else it'll go and still look good. I'll post photo's when its done but for now you can see the design at my Myspace blog Oh...yeh I spose I better mention that I did get a job in the end after my seemingly never-ending and fruitless search. I just rang up for it after trawling through all the vacancies at the jobcentre for the 5th time and I landed a cleaning job. It only 2hrs in the morning which is not nearly enough hours but it was impossible to find anything else. I also have to get up at 6:30am every day, which I hate so much but it's very conveniently across the road from me so I can roll out of bed 5mins before hand. Plus its way easy cos I'm my own supervisor, no one to tell me what to do *mwhahaha* My holiday in Italy was really good. I can't believe it's been that long since I last blogged cause it seems like forever that I went. The hotel was gorgeous, with 2 pools, really nice food and a super stylish suite (DVD player and all). It was a really nice week of relaxing, mainly by the pool and some sight seeing on Lake Garda. We had a day trip to Verona where we saw Juliet's balcony. We also had tickets to see opera at the open air theatre, which came after the obligatory watching of the England match. I topped up my tan and read quite a lot of my book, but otherwise nothing major to report. I also went to see Killswitch Engage live last night at Wulfrun Hall with a friend of mine I met through myspace. It's quite strange meeting someone off the internet that you have talked to loads on msn, but then you meet them and its a bit weird. Still...it was good gig. Not awesome cause I don't know too many Killswitch songs and the support Bring Me The Horizon, were awful, just a wall of noise. They were booed! I don't know if that's just what they're like live or not but I doubt I'll be downloading them anytime soon. Eeeeh I can't wait to go see Bullet. I bought a ticket to see them in Bham for their November tour. I can't believe I haven't seen them live yet. I went to see them a couple of weeks back at a CD signing in HMV. It was so cool seeing them in the flesh though they seemed a bit pissed off from all the signing.

23rd June

2006-06-20T23:51:50Z

Well I'm not going to even apologise for the mass amount of time between blogs as its obviously going to be my normal pattern. I don't really see the point in blogging every day or week as nothing much happens. I prefer to write long and somewhat meaningful journal entries. I'm planning a new layout but it wont be up for a bit, it's either gonna be BFMV or FFAF orientated, I want it to be dark. Anyways I'm back at home now for many months as first year of uni has finished. It has gone by astoundingly quick, I can't believe I'm not going to be living in Elgar anymore, it's so strange. The living situation has been a bit of a nightmare, a total disaster in fact. Most people after first year rent out a private house with a group of others, in Birmingham's case the majority are in the manky Selly Oak. In Jan I signed a contract to move in with my present flatmate and good friend Scarlett, along with 3 other guys; one being Pip who I sort-of knew. I had been so looking forward to it, as everyone seemed really cool. For once I felt really good, as I thought she was gonna go off without me and I'd be left on my own, as happens in most scenarios like this throughout my whole life. BUT...you can tell there's gonna be a but, something like this happening to me is too good to be true, and in true "lets fuck up Clare's life" style, it all came crashing down. With all of a couple of weeks to go till the end of year and in the middle of exam period I find out that they never really wanted me there...story of my life. Once again I'm seen as the fucking charity case who they felt had to be asked into the house as a tag along with Scarlett. The cheek of it all though is that they waited until then to tell me, and did it really slyly by trying to force me to have the 'box' room in the house. They said that they'd basically intended me to have it all along, as I was the 'outsider' of the house. I just can't believe that people would do something so horrible to someone over the size of a room. In the end the room wasn't even the issue for me it was the way in which these people and my so called "friend" dealt with the whole thing, thinking they could bully me into having the shit room, and god knows what else if I'd have stayed there. So I told them to fuck off, they could keep there shitty house cause I didn't want to even look at them, let alone live with such conniving fucks. Lol I'm getting quite volatile here but it still riles me even now. I just couldn't even look at Scarlett she absolutely disgusted me...and still does. I won't be bothered if I never see her again, she's welcome to live with four other guys who are gonna treat her the same way. The whole situation made me so upset. I just couldn't believe that something like that had happened to me once again. I really thought uni was gonna be different and that I could actually make some genuinely good friends. I got extremely depressed, especially on top of the huge stress of exams, and whilst I was/am still getting over everything that happened with Bryn. Yet I'm glad to say that it lasted about 2 days! I was so surprised with myself actually, as I think at another point in time I would have really let it drag me down, and it should have. I just thought to myself, I'm not gonna let them complete fucks do this to me. I'd had enough of moping and feeling like shit. So I posted an advert saying I was looking for a room and I had shit loads of responses. I was actually pretty pleased that I was leaving that house, as Scarlett had been pissing me off for a while because she was being a wanker of a friend. I just thought hey, this is a chance to meet some new people, make new and nice friends and start a fresh next year. So now I'm all signed up for a really nice house with 4 other second year girls, all doing similar courses. I went for lunch with one of them the other week in Telford as she lives there, which is quite funny. She was so nice and I'm really looking forward once again to moving in and meeting the other 3 girls. After that crisis my exams passed by relatively quickly, now I think about it, though it seemed like an age when I was pulling all nighters of revision. I couldn't believe how much I had to do and in the short amount of time I had left...once again. Still they were ok, some being really hard others better, and I've already had my results all modules passed and all in the 2:1 (60%) region except one at 2:2 (57%) and one 1st (71% - yay). I was actually really surprised with Foundation of Politics and Political Economy as I thought those exams were my worst but came out to be the best...always the way. I'm definitely gonna have to give stuff more time next year. I also went to visit my two friends Amy and Debbie down at their uni in Swansea. Well it was quite a week is all I can say. Overall it was really fun and great meeting all their uni mates, who I got on really well with and were all so welcoming. However, the situation between Amz and Deb could have been much better as they weren't talking so I was stuck in the middle in quit an awkward situation. In the end things didn't turn out so great with me getting annoyed with Amz too, as her behaviour and treatment of me wasn't the best in the last few days. Nevertheless, I had a blast, lots of partying, beach chilling and a trip to see the legendary Dr Karl Kennedy from Neighbours play in his band. I got my photo taken with him and everything lol Anyways I really best get to bed as I'm flying to Italia tomorrow for a weeks family holiday to Lake Garda. Should be really nice and much needed sun & swimming. Will tell all when I get back

4th May

2006-05-02T18:44:07Z

Wow long time no blog. I really have been meaning to update but things just get in the way like always. That thing right now would happen to be the major fuckin stress of exams! I absolutely despise revision and being my majorly procrastinatory-self I have hardly done any and my first one is next Mon. In some ways its good cause he gave us the questions...yes the exact ones! Which obviously means I only have to revise the 3 topics I'm gonna do, however, there is a slight draw back in doing this, even though it sounds like heaven. Mainly because now they're expecting awesome answers, so revision has to be way more in-depth and time consuming than it would normally be. I basically have to read a shit load of books when I only have 2 days allocated to this module. I have 3 exams all in a row and all way hard. I've been in the library all day for the past 3, and have finished reading for said module and am now half way through the module on International Relations, which is a bitch. Still I think I may just scrape enough to do well..ish. It's my damn procrastination disease again. Anyways last time I wrote which was, wow 2 months ago nearly I as doin essays. I've had two back and one was a 1st (70% yay) and one that I did in a day and had 5% knocked off for being late was a 2.2 (53%)...which I was expecting lol. Easter hols were majorly uneventful and uber boring as there was nothing, and I mean nothing to do at home. I tried to pass time by joining a gym which did work actually. It feels strange saying I joined a gym because I am, and probably look like one of those people who are just totally averse to them, yet I want to get fitter in general and maybe lose a few pounds, so I succumbed to it. I obviously haven't been for a few weeks being back at uni and all, but I'll rejoin when I return. I saw my friends Amz & Deb a couple of times, which was actually really nice. I was really sad that we let things go downhill between us because Amz and I have been best friends for nearly 5 years now. Even though we had almost a year of not being that close and we hardly see each other now, I'd still say she was my best friend and things seem to be just like they used to between us, which I'm so happy about. I'm probably going to visit them in Swansea when I finish my exams, which will be the 18th May! Should be a blast. Although nearly nothing went on over Easter, I feel as though it was like a year ago that I was feeling like I did when I wrote my last entry. Its so weird for over 2 months I felt so shit after Bryn left me and everyday was a constant struggle to try and not contact him. A struggle that wasn't good as I pretty much harassed him to death. Yeh, psycho ex...Clare is thy name. Well I thought it would never get better and then all of a sudden it just hit me, this sort of epiphany. I'd been asking him to meet me, to talk face to face, he refused. All I wanted was to talk to someone just about how I was feeling, because I was extremely lonely at home. Wanting to talk about how I feel is so rare for me but it was just welling up inside and I had to, I dunno, it was one of those moments where you just need someone to say to you 'no you're not a freak or a horrible person and I do love you'. But, he wouldn't meet me, in fact he wouldn't say he loved me, and it hit me as clear as day, he never loved me, not really. I asked him and all he could say was that he cared for me. I felt so broken at hearing that and at it finally sinking in, I mean all the way through our relationship I was questioning whether love was there, because there was so much screaming at me that it wasn't, but I wanted so much to believe he did. Him saying it all the time didn't help but there really was no feeling behind the words, it was like he'd gotten used to saying it so much that it wasn't anything anymore. So there I was crying my eyes out and I thought to myself; why? Why am I doing this, why do I want to be back with him so badly? What was it that he really gave me? Yes he made me happy but when I think about it sometimes I really wasn't. This sounds like I'm just totally hacking at him and I really don't mean to its just...I had to really analyse it, like I did to every other tiny thing. I had to think long and hard why I wanted him back so much. In the end I didn't, I really just got over it like that. I didn't want to be back with someone who didn't love me, who pretty much couldn't love me, because hey, if 2 years isn't enough then it's never gonna happen. Hopefully there is someone out there who can and will make me truly happy. He'll be as romantic as I want him to be and he'll treat me the way I always wished Bryn would've. Yes it still kills me if I think about it too much, as to why he couldn't love me, obviously something that I was lacking in or doing wrong but hey...the good thing is that I actually have to stop and think about it. So 3 weeks have gone by almost and I haven't done anything in the slightest to contact him. If he reads this then I hope he's not mad at me and I want him to know he can contact me anytime and I won't think anything of it other than him wanting to talk. I hope he's happy too and that we can always remain friends, I think we'd be really good friends as we do have a lot in common. I'm not gonna go so far as to say I hope he finds someone because that part of things is still a sore spot even if I know its never gonna happen. And God I never realised how frickin annoying it would be to not have that whole aspect of things... oh well there are other things that can help in that department ; p . I feel like a new me, although I do feel parts of the old me coming back that I have no idea why they went away in the first place. I'm dressing a bit like my old style again, painting my nails like I used to (that sounds stupid I know but work prevented me from wearing black nail polish lol) and really getting back into the Spuffy fanfic scene again, which isn't great news when trying to revise as its addictive. I'm also so into my music right now...I went through one of those patches where you get really bored of your music because there's nothing new. Then, I just got totally hooked on Funeral for a Friend and Bullet for my Valentine, they're so fucking good for break-up music, especially BFMV. I bought a BFMV T-shirt the other day and the lead Matt Tuck is so hot, plus I'm going to see FFAF on June 2nd as well as Taking Back Sunday on May 20th. I can't wait, its gonna be so good and now I really REALLY wanna go to Download festival but have no one who'll go with me. I'm finding my music tastes are slowly getting heavier lol as many people's do...I wonder why that is? On that note I shall leave you and hope I can steal Atreyu off someone on MyTunes ; p P.S. How cool was LOST Season 2 on Tues...Michael and Sawyer were hilarious : D

11th March

2006-03-11T21:53:39Z

Hey ho I'm uber bored and frustrated. I'm trying so hard to start my work. I've done the same as last term and left it till the last minute to start my essays. I have 5 to do by Mon 20th. But 2 of them are really short so...Oh I don't know I'm sure they'll get done, they always do somehow. I'm not even sure if I want to be at uni anymore though. I mean, I love living like this, totally independent, but the whole student life isn't as great as it's made out to be. It could just be because I'm not a social butterfly who loves to party and get pissed every night. I also haven't made, well any friends except a few, which is nobody's fault but my own, I know. Still it's not just that, I'm so not sure if carrying on studying is the life for me anymore. I like Politics I do but this course is not how it used to be at A-Level, I know it's not meant to be but it doesn't have any of the fun at all. I was also looking at careers stuff and at the civil service website, and the most I feel that I could do after here, would be to apply for some admin job. Its ok pay but I want a career that is fulfilling, rewarding and well...high paying (snobbish I know). I just found myself thinking is that it, is that what I would do for the rest of my life. So I don't know if I'm just wasting my time in uni, running up mass debt when after the degree I will want to do something completely different. I would love to do something with design, like fashion or interior but I'm so crap at drawing and not that inspired. I would love to do something like forensics or medical but I don't know if I could handle that. With medicine it's different to most, I could handle the blood and guts and stuff, just not the bones. If I had to see someone's bone sticking out of their leg or their knee then...gah no...its cause of the whole knee dislocation trauma of my childhood. So I'm in a real dilemma. Uni is ok and the jobs would be ok, but I don't just want ok I want great. So do I carry on with what I'm doing seeing as I've started? However, I'm terrified of the exams later this year and if this is how unmotivated I am now how will I ever survive writing a 12,000 word dissertation in 2 years time. Or do I try a totally new path, yet where would I start. Besides, if I dropped out I'd have to work, and I hate working as much as academic working and my parents would really frown upon it, traditional family of degree people. Plus all the money I've wasted being here for practically a whole year. See most people decide they wanna drop out in the first few weeks or months not nearly 3 semesters in. Also so many people would think this is because Bryn has dumped me, even he would and he so wouldn't take me back even if I did return home. So it wouldn't solve anything in the heart-wrenching pain and loneliness area, and I'd be in a worse situation to find someone new in dead Shrewsbury. Anyway I really don't know, I'm gonna have to think about it over Easter. Anyways I've had a pretty eventless week since last time. My whole not contacting Bryn worked for all of 3 days, lol. Jack Johnson was really good, a very calm gig though, not like last night at Yellowcard. I'm feeling the after effects of being crushed; I think a few ribs are bruised. See we were at the back of the floor up against a steel barrier where the technical guy was. So everyone was crushing us against that, I thought I was going to actually crush Scarlett as she could hardly breathe at one point. Apart from that it was an awesome gig, they're really good live. I want to go to so many more including; 3 Doors Down, Taking Back Sunday and Funeral for a Friend all playing soon. Bham is such a good place for gigs. Also having the Angel box set is distracting me from work.

1st March

2006-03-01T16:30:48Z

So I've decided its time to write about things, I need to put it all down and then I don't know really...I just hope it helps. Like I said in my last entry Bryn my boyfriend of nearly 2 years broke up with me. The reason - He couldn't handle a long distance relationship, only seeing me once a week. We had sort of talked about this a few weeks before but when he actually decided, it hit me so hard. It just didn't sink in at all, not until a week ago and I don't think the true reality has hit me. How do you go from talking to and seeing a person all the time to them just not being there anymore. I can't, its not something I can deal with. He was my rock, I relied upon him for so much and now he's gone. This is the worst feeling ever and I don't know when it will go away. I hate not being able to have a say in this. The thing about this type of break-up is that we both still feel the same, or at least I hope he does. He insists it has nothing to do with me as a person that it's all down to circumstance. So I just don't understand how he can do this. If he really does still love me like I do him, then how can he not want me in his life anymore? I know that its been difficult for him with me being away, but I saw him every weekend and this term is almost over, in fact this whole year at uni is. I just can't help but feel that I'm being punished for coming here and trying to better my future. I didn't want to leave him behind but I also don't want to stay in Shrewsbury all my life. He did it over the phone as well, which doesn't surprise me, he asked me out in text. However, I saw him the Saturday after, as he was meant to be coming up for Valentines. Anyway when he saw me he changed his mind, he said we had to try to make it work. I was so happy, ecstatic in fact. I had hoped that he would, and I'd gotten my wish. So we went out for a meal that night as an early Valentines. But he'd gone silent, hardly saying a word. He also wanted nothing but a main course and then wanted to go back home to bed, straight away at 9 O'clock. I knew then that he was having second thoughts, but I didn't say anything. I wanted him to, if that was the case. Still he didn't say anything and the next morning he left straight away at about 10am. Then as soon as he was home, he was texting me saying it wouldn't work again. So cowardly. I should've been so fucking mad at him for doing that. I was too, for while, but I just couldn't hold on to it. All I wanted was him back. I was more mad at myself for falling for it. For letting myself get so happy when I knew he would just rip it away again, which he did. He didn't just break my heart he ripped it out and trampled on it in front of me. I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive him fully for it...I will always remember it...the disaster of my first break-up. However, I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for being so stupid and gullible...so I lashed out and self-harmed. Some people may be shocked at that and I'm certainly not proud of it, that's why I hide it. Yet I just had to, to punish myself for relying upon someone so much even though from all the shit in my past I should know better. I've certainly learnt my lesson now. I don't think I'll ever let someone get that close again. So anyway I spoke to him the next weekend on the phone asking to meet him the next day. He agreed but then he got all annoyed because I was upset. I was trying to explain why I wanted to see him, I still had it in my head that I could change his mind again. Yet he wasn't having any of it. He was moving on, getting on with his life fine. You see, that's the thing, he's been unflinchingly calm about all of this. He has been upset only once. He has shown no hurt, pain or loss. This hurts me more than anything. It seems like I mean nothing to him, he's not even bothered that he's not going to see me again or talk to me. He says he has to be strong, but I don't want him to be, I just want to see something to show me that I mean something. I know it's selfish but he doesn't know how much it hurts. He says he does...in fact he won't SHUTUP about his break-up with his 1st Ex. I don't want to Fucking here it...in fact it's the most hurtful thing he could bring up. Everyone knows not to bring up how much you were heartbroken and hurt when your ex broke up with you. Yet still he does, in fact he tells me that she is the love of his life...his girlfriend who was a total bitch to him and who slept with someone straight away...oh and they were 15. That, THAT means more to him than the whole two years I spent with him, giving him everything that I am, loving him completely and staying nothing but loyal...and he tells me THAT! He doesn't know how much I just wanted to punch him, although it was on the phone so... Oh yeah and all this was whilst he was drunk. He says to ignore it, that he didn't mean any of it, but I know that that is the one time when he has said what he really feels, because he didn't give a fuck about my feelings. So yeah I'm beyond hurt, I have cried for days, I haven't done any of the work I've needed to because I've not been in the frame of mind to do so. I should be so fucking mad at him. I should never want to speak to him again for the complete hash he has made of this. Yet I don't...I wish I did, I wish I wasn't so weak but I still love him exactly the same as I did before. All I want is him back in my life. I want to talk to him, touch him, hug him, see him smile and laugh. I want him to want me like I do him. Actually this has made me realise that maybe he has never been on the same level as me all along. If I don't mean as much to him as others, then maybe he never really did love me like I did him. I just don't know anymore, I'm completely alone now when I go home, I have no one but family. My friends from home probably aren't bothered as I haven't spoken to them in ages. In fact on my 19th birthday, the only person who'll be around is my brother. I insisted that I be at home for my birthday and not on holiday in Italy. I thought I'd have Bryn and that's all that mattered, but now I don't and not even my parents will be around. Behold the sadness that is me. He said that we'll keep in touch, that he'll always be there to talk to, but I know that he'll move on way before me. He'll forget about me, in time he'll get some new girl and I'll be just another ex who's texting him, but who he doesn't wanna know. The fact that he'll forget me hurts, but that fact that he will find someone else to fill my shoes makes me feel physically sick. So I've got to use all my will power to not contact him in any way. Leave him alone like he wants, no longer a part of his life. Yet, I wish he would talk to me ya know. All the time I'm checking my phone to see if I've got a text. I'm forever hoping that absolutely no contact with him will perhaps make him realise that this is a mistake and that for once in my life somebody needs me. I know its not going to happen but even if it was just a text asking how I'm doing, it would make me so happy. I feel as though I have been pushed backwards to two years ago, where once again I am alone, unhappy, depressed, insecure and lacking in self confidence. I feel like the worthless me again, the girl that no one needs or wants around. I don't do anything that benefits anyone or anything. I don't affect anyone's life or feelings or anything that goes on around me. Loving him made me feel worth, as I was worth something to him, I made him happy (I hope) and he made me feel needed, even if he didn't. So yeah, I guess its time I spent some time looking after me but I just don't see the point sometimes. People tell me that I just need to be more outgoing, like saying it will be an instant cure, but nothing is ever that easy in life. Anyway, rambling over now. I know that was very long and probably makes no sense, so thanks if you actually did read it. As you can see I finally have a new layout up, hope you like it. It is obviously reflecting my state of mind right now...at least one good thing has come from it. Oh and the fact that I went shopping on Monday and spent £100 on clothes and £30 on DVD's. I bought Serenity along with some others in a deal. Oh yeah, Bryn bought me the Angel collectors edition DVD box set as a sort of, well consolation I guess, but he said it was because he was always going to buy it me anyway.

13th February

2006-02-13T19:48:16Z

I can't really write much now because it will all get on top of me but just to tell you that Bryn has broken up with me, so I'm extremely upset, hurt and depressed right now. I really don't know what I'm gonna do or when I'll be able to write about it in full so don't expect anything for a while. And yes if you can't believe it, he did it a few days before Valentines!

18th January

2006-01-01T15:53:10Z

So it's been a while. I don't know why I've been putting off blogging. Apart from the fact that I want to change the layout but can only create crap at the moment. Other than that its been Christmas. I love Christmas it's my favourite time of year. I love the fact that it snows and the dark evenings. It was a good Christmas break this year. I came back from Uni on the 9th of December after the final non-week. There wasn't much point in staying, as seminars were cancelled and I slept pretty much all of Tuesday to recover from Monday. I actually managed to hand in all 6 essays on time, yet almost died doing it. Basically my Methods was 1000 words short and a pile of crap...but I really don't care. If I get a 3rd I'll be happy. I pulled an all nighter on the Sunday, working until the 11:30 Monday morning. Then I had to practically run to the ERI to hand them in by 12 O'clock. Thankfully loads of other people were there doing the same, so I wasn't deemed late. I almost fainted whilst walking there from exhaustion and lack of food. However, they were actually pretty good and the stress I caused myself was over the top. I've had 4 back and they are all in the 60% region, making them all 2:1's, with my International Relations being only 2 marks off a 1st. I'm dreading getting Methods back. Anyways once they were in I could relax. I went to Risa on the Monday night and saw Hard-Fi live at Wolverhampton on the Wednesday. It was an awesome gig, they are so brilliant live. After that I came home for a month of chillin, spending quality time with Bryn and joining in the usual Christmas festivities. I got my hair cut short and I now flick it out, as you can see in my new photos (very Willowesque). My grandparents came down on Christmas Eve and stayed till after Boxing Day. I got some great prezzies, with a gorgeous Storm watch, DVD's, trousers and iPod Socks from Bryn. I mainly got money off my parents, with other presents being; a bag (for going out), slippers, home phone, earrings, necklace, a pen, Buffy calendar, Frasier Series 4 Box set and a bottle of Archers. I was going to buy the Motorola V3 Razr mobile with my money but decided against it as my phone works fine. I bought instead, Teachers Series 1-4 DVD, 4 Films and some shoes. Still the nicest part was being at home and back to, what really is my other life. New Years was also great. At first I thought it was gonna be another boring year staying in and watching Jools Holland Hootenanny. Thankfully it wasn't. Bryn and I went out into Shrewsbury going in a couple of bars. I saw my brother out with his friend and then went on to a pub where we knew Bryn's parents would be. We stayed there to see in midnight, which by then him and me were both drunk. We walked back at about 12:30 and when we got home there were little nibbles ready to eat. So maybe nothing spectacular by other peoples standards, but I thought it was great. I'm back at Uni now and have been for over a week. Its strange being back after being at home for a month. I have to get back into the swing of getting up early, going to lectures, shopping and cooking for myself. I'm also missing Bryn loads. My New Year's resolution, so to speak, is to cut back on sweets and junk as I'm getting fat and to actually do the work I need to do. Its going ok so far. I'm catching up on stuff I didn't do last semester as well as my reading now. Also massive news is that I've sorted out a house to live in next year. At first I thought I wasn't going to have anyone to live with but me and Scarlett are sharing with 3 other guys of whom I only know 1, that's Pip. I only saw the house today, even though I signed the contract last Fri. Its super close to campus in Selly Oak but to be honest its a dump, however it's being completely refurbished in the summer so it should be so much better.

29th November

2005-11-29T22:40:03Z

Hey very quick update just to show I'm still around. I am so unbelievable stressed and worried right now about my work. I really feel like I'm not cut out for uni. I have 6 essays to be in by Monday the 5th, I've completed 2 and am on my 3rd. Hopefully it'll be mainly done by tonight. However that leaves me 4 days to write 3 more, one is 3000 words on something I know nothing about. I've got to read for them so I'm completely screwed basically. It is my own doing my own stupid procrastinating as usual, but I'm worrying to the point of illness. Anways on other notes I bought Fall Out Boy tickets for their gig at Carling Academy in Bham in Jan next year off eBay. I also just bought today Hard-Fi tickets for Whampton next Wednesday also off eBay. I'm going to both with Scarlett so it should be great. I love Hard-Fi and it's my treat for finishing my essays (hopefully). Next week is the last week of term so its gonna be party time, as I haven't gone out for over 2 weeks now. I saw the most horrible thing on Monday, which really shook me up and made me think. A student was run over and I think she has died, right by the entrance to the Vale. It had happened when I was walking to my 10 o'clock lecture. I didn't see it happen but I walked passed, before ambulances had gotten there. She was lying in the road, obviously people were helping her, but I could see her face. She was conscious and it seemed as though she looked at me as I looked at her. Her whole head was covered in blood and a massive pool had trickled onto the road. It was so horrible to think that she I was one of the last people she saw before she died. Just a normal student, could've been anyone. Probably thinking about her lecture, or about going to Risa that night and bam! she's dead. It's the second student death through road accident this term. The last one was hit and run, I'm not sure if this was or not.

13th November

2005-11-13T12:42:11Z

Very long time since no blog. I've been bogged down at uni. Just had reading week which was when I was supposed to start writing the 6 essays that need to be in on 5th December. I didn't start any, but got the books, which is a task in itself. I'm gonna start on one today. I just got back from a weekend away at Cheltenham Races for my Dad's 50th birthday. Had a bit of a packed last 2 weeks. We held an Ann Summers party at the flat and got loads of people to come round. It was fun but I ended up spending about £40 on underwear lol. I've had lots of money taken from me and am now in my overdraft. I still haven't sorted out any work for the Xmas break, which is bad but I kind of would just like a break then. Last Thursday I did nothing all day as I was hung over from a night out at the Works, so me and Scarlett just watched TV and Movies all day. I'm so settled now, it's just the work I need to get doing, but as always I'm severely procrastinating. However I'm a bit pissed off about things in our flat as it seems like it's just Scarlett and Me most of the time. Mateja and Chino are very boring, never do anything and don't like when we do anything (They disaproved of the AS party last Tues). Georgia and Teri are fine and we get on great but they still don't do a lot with us, as Georgia trains for swimming and Terri likes her guys ; ) So its not the most sociable of Uni experiences, where as all the other flats are really sociable, always something going on. Anyways I need to start reading and working, I promise I will update more. Thanx to Rob for comments, if it weren't for you my blogging would be pointless.