Listening: Stuck Inside of Mobile with the Memphis Blues Again - Bob Dylan (Covered by Cat Power)

Thinking about the future is giving me a headache. Trying to plan for it is rapidly turning it from a headache into a never ending migraine. It looms over me like a giant hovering mushroom cloud; only the bomb has not yet gone of... its waiting 'til June. I continue to have no concrete idea of what I want to do after graduation and as I lurch from one idea to a completely different other, I feel like my life is being tossed around like a lone leaf in the extremely harsh gales battering the UK at the moment. Amongst my feelings of ever encroaching despair and frustration, I can't help but feeling resentful towards the system. There are two systems, both at fault; the system of education which is soon to be my past and the future system of the job market. But they combine into the ever more horrendous and homogenous system that is modern life in general.

The education system, which I have been in for over 15 years now is totally flawed as it expects you to know what you want to do with your life when you're 15 years old, and choosing your a-levels. Yet, at that age you're not going to have any experience of the working world and how the fuck do you know what you want to be, when there is virtually no information or guidance provided. Case in point, I did not know then that I would really like to be a forensic scientist. Thus I did not take any science a-levels, so now I have no way in hell of being able to pursue that career without taking adult-learning courses in a-level biology, which would cost thousands of pounds and take two years! Then the system of the job market and application process is totally flawed too. It expects graduates to have experience in the field they're applying, and to also have been involved in a trillion and one things during university along with studying to get a first class degree. The irony of this is, as me and my flat mate discussed the other day; those who take up lots of extracurricular activities are more often than not those who are geeky, overachievers with a low social life. Therefore, what employers take to be a sign of having great team-working, communication and inter-personal skills; more often than not means that person has the social skills of a Nazi leper, and are completely socially retarded. Those who can sell things well, network and schmooze to the max are usually found in bars, socialising non stop with no time for geek society! 

My encounters thus far and thoughts on my future have led me to thinking about modern society as a whole - that along with my rather apt modern-political thought module, which is incredibly interesting and looks at critical theory of the modern world along with the infamous post-modernism. The ideas of Marcuse, a German theorist, on capitalist society, the pervasion of a homogenous culture and the need for counter-cultural movements, have struck a chord with me. I feel that the society of today has become so concerned with selling everything to us, in order to continue its capitalist dominance, that even life itself is something which they try to sell us now. Not literally of course, but a certain way of life, is foisted upon us, sold to us as a brand or an ethos. We are told what a good life is, what a successful life is... the way we live, the career we choose, if one at all, is all shaped by the pressures of society. 

I find it all too much, and want to scream my lungs out at the futility of it all. Who is to say what a good way of life is, or what a successful future is? WHO? I ask is the judge of all these wonderful benchmarks by which we should live. Why are you only deemed successful if you, say, earn vast amounts of money and are able to buy nice shiny commodities? Why is the ability to purchase and consume better and higher quantities of possessions a sign of you leading a good life, of having made it?! Made it to what I wonder!? - having a rather meaningless and vacuous life; one that has managed to cause more waste than others. It all leads me to question why a mapped out corporate career is good, why should I want that? ... I DON'T! I'm made to feel like that's what I should do, cause that's the way to success and goodness. To stability and a good retirement. Why do I want to be thinking of retirement now, who says I want stability, a marriage and a family? Why can't I just have random careerless jobs that allow me to be how I want and live comfortably, whilst having the time to myself that I want - why is that so frowned upon?! 

Of course, there are no answers. There is no ubiquitous judge of what is better and what is not. It wouldn't be right if there was, it's just that it feels as if there is, and I'm being judged badly. 

I know I'm sounding clichéd here, but the more I contemplate what to do and the more I research into opportunities, the more I run head first into a solid brick wall. Every single job, graduate scheme, placement, internship, volunteering scheme, postgrad degree that I look into I feel as if I can't do it. I don't have any work experience other than shop work and I haven't done much in the way of extracurricular stuff whilst here. Not because I didn't want to, I just wasn't attracted by anything on offer. Thus, the more I read all the terrible jargon filled job briefs and what is required, I become increasingly unsure of my abilities and feel totally inadequate for most of what is on offer. I wonder how it has come to this?! I've never felt like this before in regard to my academic studies, I've always done well, pretty much top of the class and I'm intelligent. I can adapt and learn new things very easily. BUT - this terrible fear grips me when I think of myself in a real proper job, with responsibilities and people depending on me, where I'll have to give presentations and produce results ... I can do it all, I know I can, but then the fear of failure sets in and that's it ... I've never really failed in anything I've done before. I may not have been the best, but I never failed and I'm fixated on the fact that I will. Thus, it stops me for applying for anything at all - and I'm right back to where I started. 

I need help! I need someone to talk to, rather than just typing it all into this blank box or scrawling it in the lined pages of my diary. I need someone to tell me it'll be ok - except it won't and the more I think, the more the migraine comes back and I feel as if I'm slipping into a black abyss of despair. 

Confusion is a seemingly permanent mindset at the moment not only on this subject but on my personal life too, friends and relationships, and what I want against what I'm getting from them. Not that I have a relationship so to speak of, and being single for over two years now, whilst in the prime place that is university, is starting to grate. Though, I'm not really a date person at all, so it's pretty much my fault. The point being, that I love my friends but with some of them its a constant battle; a war between me & my pride. I feel as though I'm harassing them or annoying them, in order to just hang out. Therefore, half the time I'm screaming at myself to just speak out & tell them, or just stop bothering with them all together, because I have too much pride to keep on being the one chasing them up. I've had this experience with people all my life and its always led to hurt, so this time I know that I should just move on and not become so attached - keep convincing myself that it's their loss - which works for about five minutes. 

I've become obsessed with the medium of film as of late. I've always been an avid watcher of film and I mostly enjoy films that make you think rather than the stupid Hollywood comedy. However, over the last few months I have become engrossed in researching and educating myself in film, especially those of the past.

My project started off small. After getting the observer guide to film one day in the summer I decided I would compile a list of films I should see. Sort of along the lines of those lists you find that tell you all the films you must see before you die... not that I'm planning on dying anytime soon. Anyway, what started out small grew into a pretty massive project of listing, researching and generally becoming obsessed with finding out about certain films and stars of the Golden Age of Hollywood. I've found myself becoming increasingly enchanted by the world of 1940s film, more specifically film noir. Other genres of that era like the romantic comedy's or musicals don't interest me, but film noir has. It's bleak, mysterious and stylized cinematography along with its enigmatic stars such as Bogart and Bacall (possibly the one of the most beautiful women in the world) and its intricate plotlines make for some of the most iconic and brilliant films of all time. My list has become extensive and out of this has grown a full blown obsession with the 1940's, its fashion and style, architecture and design ... I can't quite describe what it is that so captures me about the period but it just has.

Obsession is something that I tend to lean towards. I'm not a person that does things half heartedly, unfortunately however, it never tends to lend itself to my academic work. I wish I could apply half of the drive I have towards actually writing my dissertation. I'm in the midst of researching for it, and don't get me wrong my topic does interest me very much. Nixon's policy of achieving 'peace with honour' in Vietnam is a very interesting and engaging topic. I love being able to focus on the political history of one of the most interesting wars of the 20th century and perhaps my favourite US President of all time. However, I suppose this is the problem for a lot of people that the actual writing of a 12,000 word researched document is rather daunting and not as fun as the researching part. Alas I need to press on with it as it is due in after Christmas...

Another very daunting task looming large at the moment is; what to do after graduation? I really hate people asking me this question, because honestly I don't want to think about it. Again it's strange as I'm very much a organisational, planning freak, yet I don't seem to be able to apply this to my future career. It's possibly one of the most important things that I'll ever need to think about, but I just can't get my head around it. The fact that I have no idea where to start or what I want may not be helping. The actual thought of literally deciding what I'm going to do for the most part of my future life overwhelms me so much, that I just want to sit in a corner and cry. My aversion to change and the fact that I'd really love to be a forensic investigator, whilst having no qualifications what so ever to actually follow that up could also be an obstacle too... Oh well maybe I'll just be a hippy drifter instead...

Listening: Without You Here - Finch

I've been thinking a lot lately about why it is I and well ... everyone likes the music they do. Why are we attracted to the types and genres that we are? What does music say about us as people? The social impact of music is something which has intrigued me for a while so I thought I'd write down all my ramblings. I actually started writing this blog in May and it has taken me this long to figure out my thoughts into a somewhat coherent piece .... anyway here they are....

Music is possibly the most dominant form of entertainment there is and its importance within popular culture is undeniable. It seems that over the past decade its impact upon the social realm has grown. For a lot of people music and the social side of it are inseparable and it has grown beyond being just music and into a kind of social structure in itself. Like the structure of gender or age, musical preference, usually by genre, has come define a person's identity, lifestyle and even personality.

Whenever I meet new people, as I did just the other night in the pub, I find that one of the first questions that they ask is, "what kind of music do I like?". It's not that this really bothers me, more that it intrigues me as to why my music tastes are an important indicator to my character. Obviously discussing music and connecting with others through a shared love for the same artist or type of music is integral to social interaction. Entertainment of all kinds, be it music, film, art or theatre would never be as much fun if we could not share our passion for it with others. Yet music has gone beyond being something you 'just' listen to or share with others, it has become something which others seemingly base your whole character on.

Now when someone asks about music, a lot of people do so (consciously or not) in order to place you in the social category that goes along with it. It is this whole phenomenon of social labels based upon music, with which I have a slight problem. Labelling or making assumptions and judgements about a person's character & personality, based wholly upon the main kind of music that they enjoy is largely misguided. Yes we are all guilty of doing it, and in the large part music does provide a good character reference point, but is artist or genre really the best criteria by which to do so.

Music is something which is highly personal and provides inspiration, along with being a point for emotional release. Therefore a person's musical preference will say a lot about them. What attracts us to a specific genre is something which is an innate part of our character. Personally lyrics and melody are of the highest importance, as they are what I connect with, evoke emotion and inspire all sorts of different thoughts and actions. However, for some it will be the rhythm, beat & drive of the song. Others will hold musical expertise, instruments, melody, tone & depth to be definitive. Some want experimentation and sprawling intricacies, whilst others just want simplicity and structure.

I tell people that I mainly listen to metal, yet I have numerous different genres and artists that they would then not expect me to like. Thus when I answer the obligatory music question they are only really getting a small glimpse as to what I like and so to what my personality and character is like. Yes, metal is part of my identity and I like to express my personality to others by way of how I dress, tattoos and piercings etc... yet it is certainly not the main way in which I define myself.

Ultimately I feel that judgements based upon music, genres especially, are misguided. I feel that when asking a person about music, we should enquire about what it is in the music they hold to be most important. This would obviously take a rather in depth conversation, but provide a much better view of a person's character and personality. We don't always have time for this, and so either judgement should be refrained from, or we should all take a step back from viewing it as the most important character trait.

I do feel it that music is an important part of what makes a person, and to all that feel the same it will naturally reflect a large part of 'who' they are as a person and their identity. However, it is not quite the matter of life or death as some people like to make out. Some go too far in deliberately avoiding ever having contact with those they label 'emo' or 'new rave', just because the associated music is seen by them as awful or the followers to be fake. There are also many that view it as 'just' music and may not connect with it on such a deep or emotional level. Perhaps all of us should remember that music is meant to bring enjoyment, rather than the constant criticism and hating that is so prevalent today.

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I've also been musing over numerous other subjects of later, ever since easter I think it was. Suffice to say that during a uneventful and rather tedious holiday I realised that there are so many, many things in this world that I don't know about or haven't experienced and that I really ought to. Learning as much as I can about all the things that interest me is a goal that will remain with me in all the things I do for the rest of my life. I decided that no longer could I waste time on things that have no real meaning. There are films I should view, books I should read, places I should go and so many things I should do. However, an interest in such things remains the key. I will never force myself to read a book that I may not like just because I feel I ought to read it.

With my final year at Birmingham fast approaching what to do after does seem a daunting task. Thus, it was more of a general life realisation and not anything that needs to be immediate or have a concrete plan. I just want to make sure that I always keep this in mind so that I never regret not having done something. Meaning to life is paramount.

I was hoping that my summer this year would be better and more exciting but unfortunately I am going to be on crutches for the most part. It was in April that I dislocated my knee again for the third time in my life. I have now recovered but next week I am undergoing knee surgery to stabilise it for the future. The thought of surgery scares me a little as I've never undergone any before hand, yet dislocating it again is perhaps my biggest fear. Not just because it is the most painful thing I have ever experienced, but the fact that at any moment when walking or running etc it could just give way, as it did in April.

Everything else is well, essay and exam trauma were experienced as normal but survived! I've passed the year with a 2:1, a tad lucky I feel. Next year I definitely need to work harder, but as always I most probably won't change my habits...