Listening: Jesus Christ - Brand New

February offcicially sucks. I hate this month with a passion. Isn't it supposed to be the month of love or whatever cause Valentines is in it?! Well it's completely not & I hate it for that. It seems to be the month when the shit hits the fan....

I'll elaborate.... I know its been bloody ages since I last blogged so a lot has gone on since that time I guess.

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I don't know if I can be bothered to continue this right now. I'm in such a shit mood you wouldn't believe. I don't feel like doing anything other than sitting & watching ....

I need people around me, but there's no one or they're not the right people....

I need fun & frolics but everyone's just as depressed. I haven't felt like this in ages... a year ago exactly & I was a million times worse.... hence the reason that February sucks.

I will edit this when I'm feeling better and give a lowdown of everything thats gone on since October....

Hopefully at some point

Listening: Skin & Atmosphere - 36 Crazyfists

Reading: Dancing in the Moonlight - by Holly

Wow where has time gone, these past months have gone by so quickly and uni life is in full swing once again. September passed pretty uneventful except for my tattoo, which I will talk about later and at the start of October I moved back down to Birmingham ready for the start of the new year.

As you should know (if anyone ever reads this) is that I had to look for somewhere new to live at the end of last year and found somewhere but did not know any of my prospective housemates. Anyhoo I moved down on Sept 25th to get all my crap sorted and although my room is small I really like it. The best point is that it's on the ground floor so I don't have to climb the mountain of stairs and I've made it nice and cosy and totally mine with my posters and art. I can fit everything in too, which is always a plus. The only draw back would be that it seems to be surrounded in lead or something because I cannot get any TV signal even with a booster and ariel. That doesn't bother me anywyas cause I tend to watch all TV in the lounge with everyone.

So I'm totally settled which is great. I was nervous about starting the year over with new people and scared that we might totally clash and not get on. However the reality couldn't be more different and I have a feeling that this year is going to be great : D. My new housemates are Aimee, Sarah, Lauren and Ruth and we all get on like a house on fire. It's weird cause I feel like I've been friends with them for ages as I'm able to completely be me and feel comfortable. We have some great laughs and Sarah happens to be a Buffy/Angel geek like me...finally I have met someone to share in the geekiness and to watch it with who will appreciate it!! I've already done so much more with them than I did all year with Scarlett and people last year. We've been for meals, had takeout, watched movies, and obviously been out at night. So I'm happy as anything, that it's all going great at the moment.

Plus the house is soo nice. I never thought I'd like it as much as I did Elgar but we've totally made it our own. The lounge is so cosy with fairy lights and our big TV and Telewest digital channels. We also obviously have wireless internet. Bills have all been paid so everything is hunky dory, or fineity doodley lol ...I was making up phrases with Sam on MSN. Hopefully it will stay like this....

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I'm actually pretty surprised at my upbeat mood as of late. I'm just so used to being pretty well ... unhappy and depressed. I don't know why I am always like that ... well yeh I do, I was lonely. I always have been lonely and probably still am in some respects. Except for when I was with Bryn, yet even then with him I felt alone some of the time. Hmm I don't know it just interesting when I think about my state of mind and how I always think that it's gonna be like that and then after a while, nothing significant has happened, but it all just changes for the better. I guess the whole, time heals thing is pretty true.

I am totally comfortable with being me now and where I'm at. Ironically just when I'm fine and happy, and used to being single and it hurts a million times less (never completely gone) I start getting asked out again. I don't know if I really want to get into anything straight away. Granted it's not straight away as its been 8 months now but it feels like I'm only just ok with it all so ... truthfully it is. Unless its someone I'm really attracted to (which there is one guy atm) then I don't know. I am going on some dates this week actually, but I didn't really initiate them so I don't know if they'll be anything really. Then again I don't know and I don't wanna pass up something which could lead to something else ... if you get my drift. I'm rambling as per usual.

So yeh, its been a strange week, I'm never really one for male attention. I'm a bit retarded when it comes to that. Having only one boyfriend, in fact one male in my whole life, being the total of all interest in me makes me not so confident. I've never really been on a proper date, where you don't really know the person beforehand. I prefer it if you do know them cause it's not so awkward and small-talky. But yeh, I'm pretty clueless when it comes to all things date wise. I guess I'll just be myself. Plus the fact that they're chasing me is a bit of a confidence booster but still ...

I've figured out that I need quite a bit of time to really build up my confidence around people to where I'm my normal self. Like in seminars and stuff, which are obviously all new this year, with different people, being as I never really got to know many on my course last year. I always wanna talk but there are some people who totally take over and you end up intimidated and I stay silent. However I think I'm getting there now. I do actually hope to make some friends on my course this year cos I may seem all confident and fine but sitting on your own in lectures isn't the funnest thing ever. Plus I'd like to do stuff in my gaps rather than go to the library all the time lol.

I think that's a problem with me. I come across all strong and confident (perhaps, I don't really know) but it's just a front really. I'm totally not and I do wish I knew more people and such. It's just a whole thing left over from school really. I just don't think that people wanna talk to me really, so I tend to stay away and cut myself off from them. Hmmm maybe I should work on that, yet I don't really think it's curable.

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So as I said I got my first tattoo at the start of September and it was ... well kinda surprising in the fact that I was totally shitting myself as to whether I would actually go through with it . I had told my parents before I got it. They weren't too pleased especially at the fact that it cost me £90. Still I went in the car with Deb, Olivia and Sallie to Birmingham, as I was getting it done in the very nice tattoo parlour inside Selfridges of the Bullring. Anywyas, because I was late for it and panicking about that fact, I didn't have too much time to really think about what it was gonna be like which was good. I went in and it was ... well not that bad. The outline hurt like a bitch but I've had worse, what with my knee and stuff. The filling in was actually quite therapeutic and I almost fell asleep, it did take him 2 hrs. Afterwards it didn't hurt at all, just itched as it was scabbing over and now it's totally fine. I LOVE it so so much and I'm pretty proud that I went through with it.

I'm wanting to get another massive one preferably that starts a little down my thigh then comes up over my back and above this one and then up the side of my torso. Kind of like an S shape. I also want it to depict different feelings / emotions / concepts that I feel, so Love, loyalty, originality etc... Oh and I also want to get my labret pierced but a vertical one. Don't quite know how the parents will like that but hey ...

Listening: Charlie Sheen vs. Henry Rollins - Alexisonfire covering Moneen

I don't seem to be able to start this properly, not a clue why but hey... People keep telling me to update and I do have a lot to write about but I just can't seem to get into it. Perhaps it's cause I'm feeling a little sick or just the fact that everything's a little lost in the monotony of my days recently. Note: You can probably tell I'm in thoughtful ponderings mode... : p

Summer hols are usually boring but these are just....I don't know really I was just sitting the other day finding everything a bit pointless. Every day goes by so quickly and I try to think about what I did, and I come up with nothing. Yet there are the odd days, usually when I see people, that are good and I find myself liking everything again.

I just really don't know sometimes...I wish I had more stuff going on. I've sort of regressed back into my mood of about 3 months ago where I'm missing Bryn like crazy. I was doing so well, at least I thought. I'd had my little revelation thingy and I hadn't contacted him in months, and then boom...I'm walking in town and I see him for the first time in 6 months and everything is back to the start. Now I just keep seeing him everywhere I go...its actually quite spooky. So now I'm back to wanting to talk to him, and I did when I was out the other week, except he got mad at me and has basically told me to fuck off and never speak to him again.

I really can't believe him sometimes, he has been so immature and so so horrible to me. I never ever thought he would, or could treat me like this. It's so hurtful and so unfair of him to act like this. He gets to decide everything and I just have to fucking well put up with it. He has no right to treat me this way. It's like he's punishing me for his stupid fucking decision, except I don't know why, cause he's made it clear that he's so not bothered about anything anymore. I'm just so fucking mad at him for treating me worse than some piece of dirt or some cheating slut when I did nothing but love him.

...End Rant...I just really needed to vent that. Its basically all I want to say to him, except he won't let me...so here will have to do. I just feel like shit when I know that he most probably hates me. All I have ever wanted and asked from him is to understand how I'm feeling and just show some fucking compassion. It's funny actually cause he's always telling me to give it to people who fuck me over and that people who don't know compassion should get no respect...well I think he should take a long look at himself sometimes, cause this certainly isn't the man I loved.

Sometimes I think there's something seriously wrong with me. I can't seem to get over him and how much it hurts everyday, that he's not a part of my life anymore. He obviously has moved on and he makes me feel like such a freak, like I'm not normal or doing it all wrong, because I'm not fine like him. I think I hate him for that, that he makes me feel like I'm abnormal, takes me back to my school days. It's funny cause I remember him promising me once that'd he'd never do anything to me like the people in my past did.

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As you can tell I've done a much needed new layout, which seemed to take me days. I'm really pleased with it cause I was wanting something pretty dark and grungy. It features Bullet who are on of my current obsessions. At first it seemed as though it was gonna be a boring blend like I usually do but I added in the gun from their logo and then thought some sexy silhouettes totally went with it. Anyways I hope everyone likes it, cause no doubt it'll stay up for months again : D

So amongst my usually eventless days I have done a couple of things and the best one is getting my hair done! I got it done about two weeks ago, on a full day out to a top Birmingham salon with Olivia, Debs & Sallie. We bought these experience days out a while back for just £22 and that gave us a cut or colour, make-up, nails, facial and a photo shoot at the end. I decided I wanted a change and so the day before we went I dyed my hair jet black and then at the salon I got bright red streaks put through it. Even though a couple of years ago I said I would never dye it black again I really love it like this cause the red streaks means its not too draining on my skin colour. I think in a few months I'm gonna have black and blue!

I also decided about a month back now that I definitely wanted to get a tattoo. I'm booked in at the place inside Selfridges in Birmingham for the 2nd of Sept. I'm pretty nervous about it cause it being my first I have no idea what pain to expect. It's gonna be on the base of my back...common I know but there isn't anywhere else it'll go and still look good. I'll post photo's when its done but for now you can see the design at my Myspace blog

Oh...yeh I spose I better mention that I did get a job in the end after my seemingly never-ending and fruitless search. I just rang up for it after trawling through all the vacancies at the jobcentre for the 5th time and I landed a cleaning job. It only 2hrs in the morning which is not nearly enough hours but it was impossible to find anything else. I also have to get up at 6:30am every day, which I hate so much but it's very conveniently across the road from me so I can roll out of bed 5mins before hand. Plus its way easy cos I'm my own supervisor, no one to tell me what to do *mwhahaha*

My holiday in Italy was really good. I can't believe it's been that long since I last blogged cause it seems like forever that I went. The hotel was gorgeous, with 2 pools, really nice food and a super stylish suite (DVD player and all). It was a really nice week of relaxing, mainly by the pool and some sight seeing on Lake Garda. We had a day trip to Verona where we saw Juliet's balcony. We also had tickets to see opera at the open air theatre, which came after the obligatory watching of the England match. I topped up my tan and read quite a lot of my book, but otherwise nothing major to report.

I also went to see Killswitch Engage live last night at Wulfrun Hall with a friend of mine I met through myspace. It's quite strange meeting someone off the internet that you have talked to loads on msn, but then you meet them and its a bit weird. Still...it was good gig. Not awesome cause I don't know too many Killswitch songs and the support Bring Me The Horizon, were awful, just a wall of noise. They were booed! I don't know if that's just what they're like live or not but I doubt I'll be downloading them anytime soon.

Eeeeh I can't wait to go see Bullet. I bought a ticket to see them in Bham for their November tour. I can't believe I haven't seen them live yet. I went to see them a couple of weeks back at a CD signing in HMV. It was so cool seeing them in the flesh though they seemed a bit pissed off from all the signing.